What’s really under the Baker Tower Construction Zone

By Marguerite Irefin | 9/23/16 10:29am

Baker tower is hands down the most recognizable symbol on campus. As a freshman, Googling pictures of Dartmouth yielded Baker tower, smiling white people and Sperry’s with socks. On the first day of freshman year I anticipated its familiar façade, but alas, it was covered in a giant and probably unnecessarilyexpensive tarp with its picture on it.

That got me thinking: Are they actually renovating the tower? Or is there a whole other project waiting in the wings to be revealed only when the tarp comes down? So, inspired by DJ Khalid telling me not to “play myself,” I decided to come up with some conspiracies to explain what is really under that picture of Baker tower.  So, what could really be under there you ask?

  1. Academic Rigor

Courtesty of Fox via memes.com

Ah, yes, the phrase that has been shoved down every ’20’s throat more than Cabot cheese. It’s such a popular topic on campus (and by on campus I mean in Hanlon’s heart, soul and veins) that there’s no way it’s just an ideology. Odds are, Baker tower is no longer a tower at all, but a giant red neon sign spelling out ACADEMIC RIGOR, flashing into the night, a beacon for lost souls in Hanover and beyond to return to academia.

  1. The Hard Alcohol
Courtesy of NBC via whatgiftoday.tumblr.com

It’s no secret that the hard alcohol ban is real and in effect, but where has the rum all gone? Maybe the tower isn’t a tower at all but a giant tower-shaped bottle filled with all of the hard alcohol that has been confiscated in the last year. Who knows if vodka will flow freely out of the copper top, ending the seemingly endless drought, or if the bottle will serve as a classic “look but do not touch” mechanism.


  1. Ghosts of Frat Stars Past

Some say Dartmouth is trying to pull away from the Greek system, I say they’re secretly planning on paying homage. The renovation of Baker tower is actually a full-fledged project to create a museum for the history of frat stars and econ bros. From famous paddles encased and hanging on the wall to vintage Nantucket ball caps, the museum will cost you $40 to enter (all proceeds go to Keystone Light), and you have to pour out a cup for your favorite brother at the end of the tour.

via youtube.com

At night, the ghosts of bros past will roam the halls, still hanging on to their undying dreams of interning on Wall Street and sinking a throw save. In the arts department hangs the first ever painted pong table, done by Picasso himself. Everything in the museum will be written in ancient Greek, in loving memory of every frat ever that feels the need to make me learn a new language just to know which house is which.


  1. An even smaller event space for “Vanic”

Do you know what desperation looks like? Climbing through the window of a grimy frat house so you can sit under a laser light show that will give you epilepsy that you don’t have, while simultaneously getting your toes broken in a mosh pit and listening to some guy you don’t know DJ songs from a DJ you’ve never heard of. Oh, the things you will do after you attend two dorm parties and realize your life lacks all purpose until after Halloween. Yes, Vanic (or renditions of Vanic brought to you by frat stars with access to Spotify) was a cruel reminder that you are both at the mercy of dry frat events and your social life has reverted back to the middle school dance era. If this is what Dartmouth thinks clean fun looks like, then I’d bet my last dollar that under the Baker Tower tarp is an official “Vanic by people who know what Vanic is and can connect to a sound system” space. Now, not only will the entire crowd of ’20’s be stuffed into a tubular space and forced to share sweat and dying dreams, but they can also grab a refreshing coffee and scone at Kaf.

via cheezburger.com
via cheezburger.com

Whether it’s a small jail for all of the written up ’20’s after wild nights on South Fay’s porch or just a nicer version of the tower, the reveal of Dartmouth’s newest project is sure to be one that is much-anticipated.

Marguerite Irefin