Dear Lone Pining

By Andrés Smith | 5/24/16 8:16am

Life at Dartmouth can be hard, what with the harsh winters, D-Plan and limited social scene working against you. “Dear Lone Pining,” Dartbeat’s premier student advice column, is here to help! Anonymously submit your questions here, and our lifestyle expert Lone Pining will help tackle your problems. Here’s what Lone Pining had to say this week:

1) Dear Lone Pining: I don’t remember anything that happened this past weekend. Fill me in! -DAmnesia

Here's the breakdown of your weekend:

Friday:After 11s, you received an iMessage from either Chet, Chad, Chuck, Charlie or Chazz (or all of the above). He said you should come to a dope pregame in Choate-Fahey McSage where they were playingNicaraguan Power Hour. (If you have to ask what this game is, you aren't invited.) Twenty-two minutes into the game, after you had fought the Trickster Mongoose and stared into the Black Well of Truth, your vision became blurrier and blurrier. You began to realize that the Franzia and Sprite mixers you'd been downing since sunrise were sinking their wine-y tendrils into your consciousness. You could hear the beginnings of Flo Rida's "My House" as you slipped into…

A sea of high schoolers and tank tops while the Two Country Friends played on the stage. From the general smell of farts that people thought would get lost in the crowd, you gathered that you were at the concert on Gold Coast Lawn. You were swatting away salmon clad hips that were trying to be on your hips. You don't know how long you had been doing this; perhaps you had always been doing this. Just then, as all seemed lost and the Country Friends sang about that summer where they fell in love with the girl with the whiskey, someone in the crowd handed you a Nalgene. When you opened the top and smelled the Franzia living inside, you knew you were home. As it touched your lips, you…

Put the cup back down on the pong table. From the puddles of the past around your feet and the balls bouncing about, you gathered that you must be in a basement. From the few brothers who you saw through the haze of cigarette smoke, you gathered that it was late. You’d played enough games of pong that your hand hurt, like you had been trying to palm a pumpkin. Who was this guy you were playing pong with? Why did he keep calling you "Speedy" and winking? Why were you thinking about pumpkins? You figured then that maybe you'd had too much to drink, and that you should probably get some…

Water. All around you, you were surrounded by water. It was dark and cold, like the feeling of realizing you forgot about an exam. You were swimming better than you ever had, or at least you thought you were. When you finally made it to the other bank of the river, you realized that you were not wearing a damn thing besides dozens of flash tats on your arms that spelled out the name "Khrushchev" over and over. As you stood on the bank of the river, naked as the day you were born, having challenged Ledyard and won, you saw the sun begin to rise over the trees.

Saturday-Sunday:You caught up on "Arrow" and "The Flash" on the CW and ordered a chicken parmesan sub.


Lone Pining

2) Dear Lone Pining: I have SO much DBA left and this term is almost over. Suggestions on how to use all of it? -IGot$ToBlow

This is easy.

Buy friends! Depending on how much you have left, you could get some pretty cool friends out of this. If you visit Odwalla's company website, there is a comprehensive chart that converts Odwalla shakes to coolness by flavor. Then go to the DDS website and check the charts that convert mozz sticks to Odwalla's. From there you can convert to Hop cookies, Novack bagels and so on.

Actually though, you do have to spend all of your DBA before the term ends. One great way to use it is to donate it. At the end of every term there are a lot of awesome causes that take DBA donations. If you can't use yours, it can go to someone who would really appreciate it. It's a great and easy way to give back.


Lone Pining

3) Dear Lone Pining: I want to streak a final but not sure of the logistics. Ideas? -NakedAndConfused

I don't really have much experience streaking finals or having my finals streaked since most of my classes have been paper-based. I have tried to streak those, and I'm starting to think my roommate does not appreciate it. From what I can gather though, there are a few things you want to keep in mind if you're going to streak a final:

First, make sure it's a big final. The more people in the room, the more diluted the experience of seeing you naked. If you run into a five-person discussion class, those people may think you're there specifically to show them something (unless you are – everyone dates differently).

Second, consider whether or not you're going to wear a mask. It may seem like an obvious "yes," but remember the fact that almost any mask is going to seriously limit your field of vision. You know what's worse than streaking a room full of people who probably aren't lookingat your face and may or may not be able to tell it's you as you run by? Falling face first on a step you didn't see, getting caught and being taken into custody wearing nothing but a Power Ranger mask.

That brings me to my third and most important piece of advice: PLAN YOUR ESCAPE. You can't go running into a packed room all wild and half-cocked only to realize that the door you thought you'd leave through is blocked by a podium. Have a backup plan in case something goes wrong. Have a backup to your backup. And, if all else fails, just grab an exam, sit down and start taking the test like nothing is wrong. If people ask about why you have no clothes on, say you certainly do, but only legitimate born people can see them. Everyone will be too scared to say that you don't have clothes on, and you will walk away scot-free.


Lone Pining

Andrés Smith