Eight Fundraisers That Will Never Be, But Should

By Jessica Zischke, The Dartmouth Senior Staff | 7/29/14 5:07pm

Blitz inboxes have been full of Prouty updates and Deltas all over campus have been pelted with giant, rubber balls. This can only mean one thing — summer is here, and it’s full of fundraisers that benefit cancer research, children’s hospitals and everything in between. But with so many great fundraisers, what about the ideas that will never come to fruition? We dug deep into the recesses of our post-midterms imaginations (read: not very far, brain is fried) to imagine what kind of fundraising ideas might never make it off the drawing board. And for most of these, it’s truly a shame we will never see them on campus.


1. A campus-wide benefit for local animal shelters that involves selling guidebooks detailing how to keep a cat, dog or other animal of choice in your dorm without getting caught. Disguise is key.

Via scienceblogs.com


2. Auctioning off permanent “on table” status, with the money going to support a switch from Keystone to...well, anything else.

Courtesy of Fox / via collegetimes.com


3. A similar auction of customized pong tables and paddles. Any and all money raised will help to fund a plastering of all frat basements with any and all Febreze products. Because you know this is you the second you step into the stairwell:

Via elitedaily.com


4. Hosting a build-your-own-sunlamp event to raise awareness of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). It’s real. Don’t pretend otherwise.

Courtesy of ABC Family / via sadmoment.com


5. Publishing a step-by-step tutorial on coming up with the perfect medical excuse to get an AC unit in your room over the summer. All proceeds go toward the inevitable massive energy bills.







Courtesy of youtube.com/user/communitychannel


6. Selling artisanal, hand-blown glass pipes to raise money for New Hampshire’s own “Legalize It” movement.

Courtesy of Universal Pictures / via tumblr.com


7. Selling pamphlets that detail the best times of day, term and year to complete each of the Dartmouth Seven to raise awareness for positive and healthy sexual relationships on campus.

Via fanpop.com


8. Distributing a petition banning Friday courses. All money raised will support the organization of a termly “skip day” with trips to the river and other nearbyadventures. (This is a real request. Please make this happen.) Because every term I wonder to myself...

Courtesy of Carnival Films / via thedevilsintheretail.tumblr.com

Jessica Zischke, The Dartmouth Senior Staff