Top 8 Guesses for Who Donated the $100 Million
My first two questions when I heard about the anonymous $100 million gift:
1. “Can we get that in dollar bills so I can roll around in it?”
2. “Did Phil Hanlon make it rain when he got the news?”
But finally, I wondered who in the world donated $100 million and didn’t want to take credit for it?! Here are a few of my theories on who hooked Dartmouth up:
1. Dr. Seuss (Theodor Seuss Geisel ’25)
I am anonymous donor
Anonymous donor I am
Would you like some big green (if you know what I mean) and ham?
Would you like it here or there?
Would you like it in a frat house, would you like it for Phil Hanlon’s spouse?
Would you want it for DBA in the Box? Would you want it for your vox?
As Dr. Seuss famously said, “unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” Yes, Dr. Seuss may have passed in 1991, but only a true wizard could rhyme “figgering” with “biggering.” Obviously his powers are out of this this world, so he could easily have found a way to hand over the $100 million to his alma mater from below the ground.
2. Robert Frost (former member of the Class of 1896)
Everyone remembers studying Robert Frost’s famous poem “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening,” right?
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And $100 million to give before I sleep,
And $100 million to give before I sleep.
Here is a reassuring fact for all 17s – you have lasted at Dartmouth for longer than Robert Frost. Though he dropped out after only 2 months, he did manage to join Theta Delta Chi fraternity before he left. My theory – the $100 million is a donation from beyond in order to get his house back on campus.
3. Reyn Guyer ’57
The name Reyn Guyer may not immediately ring a bell, but I know that Twister and Nerf balls do. Reyn is the inventor behind the games most feared by claustrophobes and most loved by teenage boys. Another former brother of Theta Delta Chi, it is possible that his experiences at the College might have inspired this classic game that has made him millions. He probably donated the $100 million to honor the school that encouraged him to never leave childhood. This Guyer is definitely the one who is making it Reyn.
4. Shonda Rhimes ’81
With the media’s recent obsession with scandal at Dartmouth, we could definitely use our own Olivia Pope. Perhaps Scandal producer and writer Shonda Rhimes decided to channel her expertise by donating the $100 million. Or maybe her love for drama and beautiful people, as seen in the countless episodes she has written for Grey’s Anatomy, inspired her to give back to her alma mater. Either way, she should definitely bring McDreamy and McSteamy up for a kissing booth along with the $100 million.
5. Chris Miller ’63
The co-creator of Animal House, Chris Miller has famously said that the film was inspired by his experiences during his time as a member of Alpha Delta fraternity at Dartmouth. As the man who established every incoming freshman’s perception of what their time at Dartmouth will be (cue hanging up poster of John Belushi drinking in his “college” sweatshirt), Miller must have donated the money in order to make those dreams come true.
6. Stephen Colbert
While Colbert may not have actually attended the College, his character on “The Colbert Report” graduated in the top 47% of his graduating class at Dartmouth. This donation is so insanely large I wouldn’t be surprised if it was also fiction.
7. Keystone Light branch of the Coors Brewing Company
If the rumors that Dartmouth truly consumes 1% of Keystone’s product yearly are true, then this is simply Coors’ thank you for many beautiful years together. Not only does Dartmouth buy immense quantities of the beer, but our student’s strange devotion to the slightly alcoholic watery beverage provides better marketing for the company than any possible ad campaign. The donation was merely an investment to keep Dartmouth students buying the “always smooth” product for years to come.
8. Member of the Class of 2013 who added too many zeros to her donation check.
This alum was just trying to fill out her first donation check and accidentally added a few extra zeros. Too much sleep deprivation at the finance job?