My best friend has been dating this guy since last fall. Over the months, I’ve become increasingly annoyed with him. Lately, I’ve been really struggling to not be openly hostile when he’s around, which is very often — I don’t know if he has his own friends. He’s nice and all, but he chews with his mouth open and participates in every conversation by asking the most inane questions. My friend is in love with him, so I don’t want to tell her how I feel about him but I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.
Sincerely,
Annoyed Third Wheel
Oof.
I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all been here at one point or another. The annoying partner plagues the world. The truth of the matter is that some people just don’t know how to pick ’em! I’m a very confrontational person, so I understand what you mean by having a hard time being openly hostile towards him. Hopefully I can give you some techniques to minimize the ugly moments.
First of all, I would encourage you to try to give this person the benefit of the doubt. Based on the things you’ve described, it seems very possible that your friend’s partner is just kind of an idiot. Chewing with his mouth open seems to indicate a simple lack of awareness of manners, while asking inane questions can be chalked up to this guy simply not being that smart. It sounds like this guy is totally normal and kind to your friend, and the fact that she’s in love with him seems like proof of this.
Is it possible that your friend just doesn’t see his cluelessness as a problem, and is charmed by him being nice to her and treating her well? Based on what we know, the answer is likely a yes, no matter how annoying that might be to you — and trust me, it’s annoying to me too. At some point, you have to respect your friend’s choices. But that doesn’t mean you have to see him all the time.
If he’s always around, this is a clear problem and a boundary that you can easily set with your friend without hurting her feelings. The conversation is simple. “It’s great that you love your boyfriend, but I miss the time you and I spent together alone or with just our friends. Can we do that more?” This way, you avoid saying anything about the boyfriend you don’t mean, and you establish a healthy boundary. If your friend is upset by the fact that you asked for this, that might be symptomatic of some kind of attachment issue or unhealthy relationship with her partner.
Furthermore, this situation might be a good way to gauge the healthiness of the relationship on the whole. Does your friend’s boyfriend not have any friends of his own, and as a consequence pressures your friend to spend all her time with him? Does she feel an obligation to bring him along to things? These might be indicators of things worth addressing with your friend on a more serious level, expressing concern for the nature of the relationship they’re in.
In terms of telling your friend how you really feel about the guy, I would honestly hold off until the opportunity presents itself. Do you and her ever talk about relationships, or about problems or hiccups they’re having? There must be a tactful way to reveal how you feel about him in a polite, even slightly comedic way. These are two lines that come to mind for me.
“He seems like a nice guy, but he kind of chews with his mouth open.”
“He’s sweet but he’s simple.”
Once you’ve sussed out that there’s nothing truly concerning going on, I think the key is to minimize the contact you have with this guy through a polite conversation, and let your friend enjoy her partner, warts and all.
- Eli
Eli Moyse ’27 is an opinion editor and columnist for The Dartmouth. He studies government and creative writing. He publishes various personal work under a pen name on Substack (https://substack.com/@wesmercer), and you can find his other work in various publications.
