It would have been impossible to imagine what this place would be like, what it would mean to call Hanover home. The opportunity to attend a school like Dartmouth, as many will undoubtedly remind you, is an incredible thing. Yet, it seems students often fall into one of two traps — that of either relentless complaints aimed at the College or the unquestioned glorification of College tradition with no critique. And while our time here may be full of friendships, formals and seemingly endless midterm weeks, the true prize of the College is the strength it can give you to go out into the world and have confidence in your ability to make a difference.
Dartmouth is, as I have said, a school with great opportunity and merit, and I begin by praising this school. My experience at the College, though, is one that has been riddled with ups and downs. After first arriving on campus, I, like so many other freshmen around me, loved almost everything about my new life at college. Beginning anew in Hanover made everything feel so novel and new. Everything was like a possibility, and the four years ahead of me seemed uncertain and exciting. With time, however, that charm began to wear off. The rose-colored glasses I had worn during my first weeks on campus began to fade away, and I found myself facing uncomfortable truths about myself, Dartmouth and my life in general.
I have never felt like a necessarily perfect fit at the College, but I have been lucky enough to surround myself with like-minded people who help me to remain content and at ease. Matriculating here allowed me, for the first time, to be around so many people so much like myself — and others so completely unlike me as well. I had never met such charismatic, intelligent young people from diverse backgrounds. I measured myself and my beliefs and values against theirs. I opened my mind to new ideas and experiences.
This openness to new views and beliefs became a foundation of my journey at the College, and I have found an immense admiration for my friends and their ability to respect and entertain my ideas regardless of what they entailed. Like many students, though, as I became more aware of the prevailing go-getter mentality at the College, I became more wary. It’s not that I don’t crave that same level of success — I just began school with fewer clues about how I was going to go about achieving those goals.
Time continued to pass by, and as I grew older and become more aware of the pressures to succeed, the more uncomfortable with myself I became. It was not a violent reaction, but the small things compounded. It began with spending time talking about majors or extracurriculars I lack interest in — trying to cultivate an interest in these things — and it led to me ignoring the experiences that really shaped my life. Along the way, I let my values and beliefs fall aside.
This was perhaps most evident in my participation in the women’s rush process and Greek life. While being involved in the Greek system has been a valuable experience, the possibility of joining a sorority was never something I considered before matriculating. I’m from Texas, I’m an African-American woman and my choice of joining a sorority did not really fit me — or rather it would not have fit me anywhere other the College. My parents and family were confused and worried. They cautioned me against seeking to find acceptance and validation through systems that would not support me because they did not know how. Yet because Greek life commands such a strong presence on campus — and because it is seems much more diverse than on many campuses — I decided it was worth a shot.
I remember so clearly the anxiety of rush, the fear of having to talk with semi-strangers for hours on end. It was, surprisingly, much easier than I anticipated. My fear of the process stemmed from having strangers judge me arbitrarily. Once I realized how arbitrary these judgments really would be, though, the process felt nearly comical.
Once I joined a Greek organization, I initially slipped into the culture, intrigued by the idea of sisterhood. I met a number of incredible girls — so I could never regret my decision — but I also never began to see myself as a fully-fledged, true-to-myself member in my house. While I can’t speak on other students’ feelings of how well their houses represent their character and beliefs, Greek life seems so much a part of one’s identity that it has taken me a while to place my affiliation in an appropriate place.
That, however, is just one example. As I have sought to find my place here and stay true to myself, I have struggled. I have been confronted with so much self-doubt from comparing myself to others. There is a wealth of knowledge to be gained on this campus, but it is important not to let that overwhelm us or overpower our own sense of autonomy and agency.
It is so important not to lose sight of your own goals, values and ideas of success.
I used to spend long stretches of time thinking over the most casual of exchanges, consider the implications of my thoughts, words and ideas for so long that I never focused on a less immediate future. I just wanted to get my identity right. I wanted to go out, feel good, look good, say all the right things, be respected and admired by the right people.
Let me tell you, it is not worth it. I have come to realize that I cannot find all the support I need in my house. I cannot find that at Dartmouth — period. This is how the world operates. Everyone will be too busy with their own life to stop and cater to your issues. People may not care about what you think and believe. Sometimes the entire world will focus on things that have no significance to you, and other times people will ignore things that seem to threaten your very existence.
Still, the person who will always have the most at stake is you. We have to be our own greatest supporters. This is not to say every man for himself, but like on an airplane, save yourself first. At a place as insular and intense as this campus, you must allow yourself breathing room — room to make mistakes, room to be wrong, room to be lame, room to do whatever it takes to make Dartmouth an experience worth having.
Realizing this has renewed my love for Dartmouth. It is not a perfect place, but it is a tool. It is a place that can help you reach unimaginable places while strengthening your resolve to get there.
