Masters is over. We lost our voices and our innocence somewhere in the crowded basement. Our best is now behind us. We have been blacklisted by EBAs for placing too many prank calls. Despite our ideas for 14X photo album titles that are undoubtedly better than “14Xtravaganza,” we have both been too scared to upload a single picture to Facebook this term. Ever since “the man” shut down Panarchy, our sophomore summers have been ruined. The only thing we have going for us is that Hank is off in the fall and Fish is off in the winter, God’s gentle way of lifting the burden of Riding the Pine from our tired shoulders and our weary brains.
Since this is the antepenultimate Riding the Pine, our readers may be deceived into believing that we’re going to be throwing our 95 mph fastballs from here on in. Those readers are woefully misinformed. Anyone who thinks we are good at finishing the job was not watching Hank at Masters.
Of course, we are going to bring the heat for our swan song, but there may be some filler between now and then (sorry editor-in-chief Lindsay Ellis). Speaking of filler, did anyone see the Giants play the Bills on Sunday? This week, in honor of the first NFL action of the preseason, Riding the Pine provides you with a sleeper and a bust for the upcoming fantasy football season.
ESPN, our biggest media rival, ranks Jay Cutler as the 15th best quarterback for fantasy football entering the season. When the boys at RTP saw this ranking, they cackled with joy at the humiliating error of their competitor. The Bears have an absolutely explosive offense with standout running back Matt Forte, superstar wideout Brandon Marshall and 2013 NFL Most Improved Player and Pro Bowler Alshon Jeffery.
Any quarterback manning the helm of such a talented roster would merit consideration, but our man Jay Cutler goes above and beyond. There may be gunslingers who are traditionally more appealing. There are none who are traditionally more attractive (except for maybe Tom Brady).
You can question Jay’s toughness. You can question Jay’s mental acuity. You can question Jay’s desire to persevere through difficult conditions. You cannot question our knowledge of fantasy football and you cannot question how chill Jay “Lakhanpal ’16” Cutler is. That being said, Cutler has played a 16-game season only once out of his five in Chicago, and we wouldn’t be shocked if he went out with an injury early on, forcing you to pick up our boy Johnny Manziel off the waiver wire. Jay or the Money Team? In our business, that’s known as a win-win.
Some poor excuses for fantasy football pundits may look at running back Marshawn Lynch, riding the wake of a dominating Super Bowl victory, and scream Buy! Buy! Buy! Hank and Fish are sitting here screaming Sell! Sell! Sell! While we will be the first to admit that there are a lot of things we like about Lynch (“Beast Mode,” the Skittles, the fact that he didn’t know Buffalo was not in New York City when he was drafted), we are victims to a paralyzing fantasy football premonition that steers us from the aging Seattle workhorse.
Marshawn Lynch earned his nickname “Beast Mode” for his physical and unrelenting play. During his prime, that’s exactly the kind of running back you want on your fantasy squad. However, Lynch has been overworked for the past few years and is headed for a massive reduction in work in 2014, due simply to the nature of the position. The fall of a workhorse running back is often unexpected and always dramatic.
The chance of injury may be an even more pressing concern, especially with moronic head coach Pete Carroll pulling the strings. If Carroll can pull his head out of the dirt long enough to call the plays, he’ll probably be demanding halfback dives all game, putting Lynch directly in harm’s way. Carroll exudes a beach bum surfer mentality that repulses your boys at Riding the Pine. Perhaps it is true hatred, perhaps it is simply envy. Either way we wouldn’t trust him with the fate of our used Honda Civic, let alone our number one fantasy running back.
Our heads are literally exploding with fantasy football knowledge. You may be wondering why we limited our dialogue to the two fairly innocuous topics of Jay and Marshawn. It takes every fiber of our being to prevent ourselves from revealing the inner machinations of the minds of fantasy football savants. However, we need some way to stay above the groveling masses, snapping at our heels, closer and closer each season.
In a magnanimous yet supercilious way of thanking our adoring fans, we have decided to breach the barrier between columnist and civilian. We would like to invite our readers to compete against us in a fantasy football league. We need eight competitors to join us, but we will not simply take the first eight to respond. We will take the eight best among you, fairness be damned. Blitz either of us with “RTP” in the subject line if you’re trying to enter. We’re being 100 percent serious. If anyone beats both bloggers in this battle of brains, you’ll be immortalized in print. Yes, you can participate, “Old Man McNulty.” Valar morghulis.
