As the last winter term of our illustrious Dartmouth careers draws to a close, so, too, has our already dwindling self-respect. Some people save their best for last. We came in with a bang and are going out with a whimper, unread and unloved by the community that once adored us and hung on our every word.
And this is always how it happens. It feels as if we laid our heads down to rest for just a single moment, and now we’re waking up eight weeks later. Is it really the eighth week of the term? Is today really the final Coffeehouse Concert of the term? Is “Legally Drew” finally almost upon us?
Things are worse than ever. Our final Winter Carnival is in the books and all the traditions we once held dear, everything that we once lovingly cradled to our bosom, has been robbed from us by the idiotic and corrupt College administration.
Even the best fall down sometimes. The Carolina Panthers fell victim to the fix we correctly anticipated. Jeb got whooped by Kasich, 2016’s first benefactor of the “Gates Lucas bump.” Hillary fell to Bernie “the Butthead” Sanders by a margin of more than 20 points in the Granite State.
The boys at Riding the Pine have already started their countdown to 2017. The parties are over. The confetti has been swept up off the street. A third Thai restaurant has opened in Hanover, giving the home of the College on the Hill the highest Thai restaurant to person ratio outside of Bangkok. You can lie on your back, fall asleep and snore so loudly you shake the walls in “Meditation and Relaxation” once a year and get a free pass. Now that Henry’s fallen asleep a second time in as many classes, he’ll have to start searching for more creative ways to get his P.E. credit.
Four weeks into our penultimate term, there should be nothing that this campus has to offer us anymore. We’re seniors. It’s winter. We’ve done all there is to do and seen all there is to see. We’ve hiked the Fifty three times and crossed the Dartmouth X once. (Note to freshmen males: the grass is not always greener on the other side.)
We were running down the road, trying to loosen our loads and we had just one thing on our mind.
One week into Riding the Pine’s return, the reaction from our fan base has been muted to say the least. Our initial plan to recapture the hearts of campus was simply to stick with our sophomore summer shtick: mildly offensive jokes mixed with nonsensical sports analysis and moments of stunning vulnerability. But the game has changed. Our readers are getting older. We’re getting older, too.
RTP is back. To our fans, we love you. For those of you who don’t know us, buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.
After an impressive spring season, the Dartmouth women’s frisbee team — also known as Princess Layout — advanced to the quarterfinals of Nationals this past weekend before falling to the top-seeded University of Oregon.