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June 12, 2025 | Latest Issue

Top 5 Ways to Avoid Creepy Alumns over Carnival

DO NOT under any circumstances eat any of your meals in town, unless you want to dine alongside alums enjoying legality in Hanover with $2 margaritas or karaoke at Salt Hill Pub.
If you see beer other than Keystone in the basement, don't touch it. Alums will likely bring their own "nice" (read: Bud Light) beer to feel like they've matured since college.
If anyone refers to you as the final year in their "Dartmouth Decade," run, as fast as you can, in the opposite direction.
Pay attention to tell-tale signs in their clothing, like expensive leather shoes in frat basements or, more obviously, wedding rings.
Just give in and listen to their stories. Some of them are guaranteed to be interesting and sooner or later they drift into an EBA's-induced sleep coma mid-sentence.