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The Dartmouth
May 21, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Cryptic Cocktails

You are handed a cup. There is some unidentifiable concoction sloshing around inside. This is definitely not something you can buy at Stinson's. After taking a sip, you grimace and wonder how the toxic sludge hasn't burned a hole in the cup and your esophagus yet.

An hour later, you find that you've teleported from the basement to some room somewhere upstairs. Wait, is this even the same house where you started the night? Warp drive. You're suddenly at some sort of dance party. There are far too many people, and the black lights make everyone look slightly satanic.

At this point, you're starting to feel a little bit possessed, like Ginny Weasley from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, hopefully minus the chicken blood and feathers. You try to think back on the ever-so-young night, only to realize that you've completely misplaced your cat's kibbles no that's not what I meant to say, I meant to say you've completely lost the ability to think back; sorry if I'm rambling, I think I'm pretty annoying when I'm drunk, not that I'm really that drunk yet, you know?

Oh, that's right. You had a cup (or two... or seven...) of that... there has got to be something in there that should not be there. Really, it's not like you're an alcoholic or anything. Big weekends call for big drinking, and as a diligent Dartmouth student, you've got to cover all your bases. Speaking of bases, you may want to pop a couple of antacids. Besides a few chosen ones, nobody really knows what's in these drinks, but I can pinky promise you there is a lot of alcohol.

Reds

'Twas the night of the first and last day of classes, and all through the house,

Not a creature was sober, not even a mouse.

The trash cans were filled by the brothers with(out?) care,

In hopes that the students would soon be there.

While Reds may not appear to be the most potent drink of choice, beware: Some sources have confirmed that there is indeed some tinkle in that tang. Not to worry all you really taste is "Gatorade-y vodka," which "pretty much just looks and tastes like fruit punch."

In case you are truly concerned, there really are worse things you could unintentionally ingest. During the prehistoric years before the Industrial Revolution came about (history/chemistry lesson here), urine was used as a cleaning fluid given its high concentration of ammonia. Au naturel.

Maybe the brothers are just trying to, um, disinfect the garbage can before mixing Reds you know, for public health purposes.

Cutter

Perhaps the most infamously secretive drink of all, Cutter is rumored to contain ingredients that were never meant to be ingredients. Some say blood-thinners. Others say paint-thinners.

"I can't think of any documented cases at either Dick's House or at [Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center] of sedatives in the system," Jack Turco, director of Health Services, said. "It's hard to say, though, because there's a very short time frame for these tests [for sedatives]. I wouldn't be too surprised if it were true."

In any case, there are definitely things in there that should not be consumed with more than three alcoholic drinks (according to the Tylenol and Advil drug warnings). Even the doctors I interviewed at Dick's House had no idea why dropping Cutter will in turn make you drop.

A couple of '13 old pros attribute Cutter's purple-brown color and "grapey, crazy iced tea" taste to "cough syrup and broken dreams," but personally I'm skeptical. My own experience with broken dreams hasn't been so fruity. The alcoholic content of Cutter, however, consists of bourbon, rum, gin and vodka, according to a 1984 article in The Nashua Telegraph.

Even so, come Thursday afternoon of each big weekend, Cutter brings all the boys and girls to the yard (actually, to rooms upstairs). And then later to DHMC. Casual.

Batch

The sun is a-shinin', the birds are a-chirpin' and the kids are a-drinkin' it's Green Key weekend! A little birdie whispered in my ear that batch is made of something along the lines of "Dasani, vodka and strawberry sh-t." Beats me what strawberry sh-t is, but popular opinion seems to indicate that it's plain old Propel.

This little birdie also doesn't doubt that batch contains a healthy dose of Everclear. Don't worry though, you hardly taste a thing.

Just kidding, that actually means you should be very worried. Even though batch isn't extremely alcoholic, just because it looks like water and flows like water doesn't mean it is water.

In a wise old '13's experience, "It's very easy to accidentally drink way too much, especially since you're drinking it from a water bottle." In this situation, slow and steady wins the race.

So if you're ever a bit dubious about your cup of Porchcrawlers, purple drank or any of the aforementioned delicacies, just keep in mind that what you don't know can't hurt you (right?). Even so, too much of anything could be a really bad idea (or really good, depending on how you see it).

In any case, just sit back, enjoy and resist the urge to Google the symptoms of alcohol poisoning.