Hello Dartmouth, welcome back to my world. I definitely didn't forget about sports while I was grinding away at a "real" job over the summer, and I hope you didn't forget about me during my summer hiatus.
You might have heard that lockout talks between the NBA Players Association and the league's owners have stalled, and that the odds of seeing a full season of NBA basketball this year are similar to the odds of Megan Fox winning an Oscar. Sensing the impending doom, many b-ballers have been working on their game on street courts and at college gyms. Some, such as Deron Williams, have even signed contracts to play in foreign countries. But no NBA star has been more entertaining than Ron Artest.
Ron Artest, who recently changed his name to Metta World Peace, is quite possibly the owner of the most interesting and entertaining NBA career since Dennis "I decided to marry myself" Rodman. Although Metta won't be remembered as one of the 50 greastest basketball players ever, his off-court antics have solidified him a place in NBA history. It turns out that you don't actually have to be good at something in order to stand out. You just have to either be very attractive (i.e. Jessica Alba) or off-the-wall crazy like Metta.
As a result, Metta has arguably been the most popular basketball player since the lockout began, snagging news headlines around the world. Be weird, and you could be known, too. Here are the keys to his success:
Step One: Have a troubling past.
Before transitioning to Metta World Peace, Ron Artest was known as "the guy who started a riot by jumping into the stands and beating the crap out of fans." Every sports fan remembers the brawl at the Palace of Auburn Hills because it proves how dumb heckling actually is.
Step Two: Show remorse for your incredibly dumb move.
Metta apologized profusely for charging the stands, and he plans on donating his next NBA salary to charity. He has also held several fundrasiers to support children's health and well-being. Society loves to support a reformed celeb wrong-doer, and Metta has proved that his heart is in the right place.
Step Three: Do something crazy on TV to prove that you are actually crazy.
Metta has appeared on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" in only his boxer shorts. Metta has admitted to getting drunk off of Hennessy during halftime of NBA games. The first person that Metta thanked on national live TV after the Los Angeles Lakers won the 2010 NBA title was his psychiatrist. This man is crazy and he lets everyone know.
Step Four: Change your name.
Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Pele, Hulk Hogan, World B. Free, Yogi Berra, Chad Ochocinco and Muhammad Ali all changed their names at the height of their careers. When your name is John Smith, you don't stand out. There have been millions of John Smiths since the dawn of time and most of them are probably more famous than you. Pick a good, unique moniker like Metta World Peace and you will be immortalized in the sports history books or at the very least people will know your name.
Step Five: Shamelessly self promote your image. Make a hip-hop album and star on reality TV shows.
Metta's NBA contract is too big for most international teams to afford. This small detail didn't stop the Cheshire Jets a British Basketball League team from offering Metta a spot on their squad. Although the Jets can't match Metta's monster contract, the team agreed to promote his rap album and land him a spot on a British soap opera. Metta also appeared on the most recent season of ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." Unsurprisingly, Metta was the first to be eliminated from the show. I hate reality TV but I'll watch whatever show Metta is on because you never know what to expect from the guy. He is the human-version of the mystery prize at the bottom of Cracker Jack boxes.
These five steps to instant celebrity success can be applied to any athletic profession. I, however, will kick it down a notch and apply these tips to the final year of my Dartmouth career. I've already set plans in motion to become this campus' version of Metta World Peace. I've filed my paperwork to legally change my name to "Hollisto" and I've tried to contact my middle school friends, the "Jersey Shore Twins," to see if I can get a cameo on their upcoming reality show. Look out world, here I come.
