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The Dartmouth
July 4, 2025 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Talamo: President Trump

I'm not even going to bother with some thought-provoking misdirect of an opening for this column. Let it be known: I sincerely hope with every fiber of my being that Donald Trump becomes the GOP candidate in the 2012 election oh yes, we're talking about that already. A Trump presidential bid would be invaluable for helping me find the few Republicans that actually know how politics and government works.

Let me give you some historical background first. You see, like many wannabe rebels in high school, I decided that the overwhelming norm of Republicanism in my Orange County home was unjust and unacceptable. Orange County was wealthy and evil, so Republicans were evil and had to be defeated. I never became an important member of the local Democratic organization (unlike my smarter and less zealous friends), but I was still quite outspoken about many issues that only I believed were actually issues. My first column for The D as a freshman was about Jimmy Carter in Sudan. It was one crazy attacking another.

This is the part where the three alumni who feel compelled to blitz me after every column exclaim, "But Talamo, you bash Republicans at every opportunity! Clearly you are still the fanatical teenager from so many years ago." They really do argue with me as though I steer campus opinion or something.

Well, alumni, that's just the problem. I want to take a Republican candidate seriously, but the GOP won't nominate someone who is more politician than farcical actor! It started with Senator McCain, who was his own comic impression of himself, not being able to raise his arms above chest level and all. But now what are my choices? Speaker of the House John Boehner, who is more orange than the tanning booth disciples in Orange County and can't make a public appearance without sobbing? Mike Huckabee just got done criticizing Natalie Portman for being a bad role model for teenage girls because she is pregnant out of wedlock. I quote: "There aren't really a lot of single moms out there who are making millions of dollars every year." Sir, have you ever seen her SNL rap?

Do I even have to talk about Sarah Palin?

If our politicians are going to be eccentric, can't they at least be Vladimir Putin-brand eccentric? The dude is so absurdly alpha, he wrestled down a tiger. He has my vote.

A Trump presidential ticket solves that problem, though, because we will know by examining his supporters who is reasonable and who is lost and unquestioning. It will be a litmus test for all of my friends, and the ones who pick Trump will be swiftly disposed of.

Trump is different because not only does he have objectively stupid ideas, but people actually listen to them. For example, Trump is now sending private investigators to Hawaii to look for Obama's birth certificate. Apparently the dead horse hasn't been beaten enough. But then again, Palin flirted with the birther movement as well, so I guess it's not terribly out of the ordinary for the Republican Party.

But then we get choice lines from Trump like this: "I love this country, but this country is going to hell ... The world laughs at us. They won't be laughing if I'm elected president." I don't have a copy of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders to consult, but it sounds like paranoid schizophrenia to me. Perhaps that quote just has no context, so let's hear out Trump on the issues. "I'm only interested in Libya if we get the oil." "Foreign affairs is, we take care of ourselves first." I am so excited for his 2012 campaign!

What really puts Trump in a class of his own, though, is that in a recent Wall Street Journal poll, Trump received support from 17 percent of prospective Republican primary voters, a mere four points behind poll-leader Mitt Romney. Yes, Trump is a comically extreme candidate who most reasonable people will not support (if he campaigns at all). But the fact that he does have so much support and that his beliefs aren't so different from those of other Republican paragons highlights just how "diverse" the Republican leaders are.

I really do want to engage with or even support a Republican presidential candidate, I just need someone who is going to act professionally. It seems like those Republicans are difficult to find, so I'm counting on an experienced jester like Trump to reveal exactly who they are. I therefore officially endorse Donald Trump as the GOP candidate in the 2012 presidential elections!