Sometimes the eternally hectic life that we Dartmouth students participate in scrambles the brain. Yesterday, for instance, I found myself trying to order EBAs with my roommate's electric razor instead of my cell phone.
In order to combat my mental ineptitude, I develop word association tricks. And in the spirit of the upcoming NBA playoffs, I used one to keep track of the likeliest playoff competitors (for brevity, I did not include the current seven and eight seeds in each conference). What's my secret, you ask? I relate each team to one of my favorite childhood television shows:
Eastern Conference
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Chicago Bulls "Spongebob Squarepants." Every Chicago team that has won 60 or more games has gone on to win the NBA Finals. The Bulls are the expert's favorite to win the playoffs and like Spongebob, they give a strong performance every evening.
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Miami Heat "Pinky and The Brain." The Heat players are generally perceived as evil and conniving, but everyone still watches them because they are incredibly entertaining. Like the dastardly mouse duo, Miami will see its Finals plans crumble. The Heat will be close this year, but the championship belongs to another team.
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Boston Celtics "The Angry Beavers." Just like Norbert and Daggit, the Celtics' players are a very angry crew. Case in point: Instead of trying to defend LeBron James' fast-break lay-up in one game this season, Jermaine O'Neal flagrantly fouled him with a hard hip check. Be on the lookout for a feisty game whenever this group takes the court.
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Orlando Magic "Disney's House of Mouse." The Magic rep my hometown, and are by default my favorite team and personal pick to win the championship. The team's name also was the easiest to match to a cartoon clever, right?
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Atlanta Hawks "Courage the Cowardly Dog." The Hawks have only won four playoff series in the past 20 years. Don't count on much from a team that doesn't have a superstar who can hit shots in clutch moments.
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New York Knicks "Doug." Remember that one summer when "Doug" switched from Nickelodeon to ABC and every single thing in Bluffington changed? Well, that's what happened to the New York Knicks this season. After years of mediocrity, a few roster moves transformed the Knicks from an average team to a slightly better team with two superstars trying to prove that they can win the big game. Can New York escape the same dryness that continuously plagued Doug Funny and win a championship, or will they forever be separated like Doug and Patty Mayonnaise?
Western Conference
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San Antonio Spurs "The Simpsons." The Simpsons has been on TV longer than I have been alive. I feel like half of the players for the Spurs have been in the NBA for just as long. This is a match made in heaven.
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LA Lakers "Aaahh!!! Real Monsters." Between Kobe Bryant and the awkward coupling of Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian, the LA Lakers truly personify the term "goon squad." Maybe (read: definitely) I'm still bitter that the Lakers were the team to knock the Magic out during the 2009 championship. Regardless, the Lakers are one of the most hated (and most loved) sports franchises in the world. "Real Monsters" was very successful, and the Lakers are sure to make it deep into the playoffs.
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Dallas Mavericks "Rocko's Modern Life." Like the classic TV show, the Mavs have one superstar with a few nameless sidekicks. Let's see if Dirk can finally bring one home.
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Oklahoma City Thunder "Rugrats." The Thunder is one of the youngest teams in the NBA. It's also one of the best. Like Tommy Pickles and his crew of misfits, the Thunder's players always deliver a fast-paced and action-packed adventure.
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The Denver Nuggets "The Fairly Oddparents." Similar to Timmy Turner, the Nuggets have a divine protector. Although he's technically human, Denver head coach George Karl survived neck and throat cancer and still coaches one of the NBA's most successful teams. With Karl at the helm, I wouldn't be surprised if the Nuggets make it to the conference finals.
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Portland Trail Blazers "Guts." The Trail Blazers have survived more injuries than an avid extreme sports fan whose sport of choice is grenade dodgeball. Expect this gritty team to battle whatever team is unfortunate enough to play this squad in the first round. The Trail Blazers have guts. Watch out.
