It's not often that a person goes around trying to acquire a bad habit. Bad habits are what we break ourselves of. They're the things we love to bitch about our great personal flaws that stick around with us mimicking recurring childhood nightmares: scary and unwanted yet oddly comforting in their familiarity. Like bad dreams, bad habits come from something unresolved deep within us our internal issues can have physical manifestations.
What does it mean then, when I tell you that I've made a focused effort since the end of sophomore Summer to pick up arguably the worst of habits? Smokes, cigs, stoges, snajs call them what you want. I find myself posting up outside in sub-freezing temperatures to suck life into the cherry of a cigarette. Patting my leg, I'm reassured by the contour and weight of a pack. I slip outside for a break every two or three hours. When the conversation dies down and I'm slouched on the bench mindlessly watching a pong ball bounce back and forth, I've got a box of 20 five-minute distractions in my coat pocket. In plain words, I smoke.
I've always had problems routinizing my life. Developing not breaking habits has always been my greatest obstacle. Smoking seemed like a prime habit to acquire because it is so notoriously difficult to quit. Besides, after years of engaging in passive rebellion against my chain-smoking father's permissive attitude by avoiding drugs and alcohol, I wanted to break entirely out of a mental framework that predicated my decisions on my father's opinions. I wanted to try something solely because I wanted to try it. And truthfully, I wanted to see how I dealt with the addiction.
What have I learned? Coffee and cigarettes is a genuinely appealing combination. The hot liquid soothes your parched throat, and the tobacco and coffee bean flavors compliment each other. The morning's nicotine buzz feels terrific as the feeling crawls from your chest to your legs. Is this a habit I'm sticking with? I'm not sure. Acquiring and then breaking the addiction is part of a trial-and-error experience. For now, I have no delusions of invincibility I'm 20 years old and in good condition. Now is the time to experiment, if ever.
Is this a healthy decision? Absolutely not. Is it a choice that's helped me learn about myself and what I can handle? There's no question. Testing limits is what growing is all about. I know I'm going to make poor decisions it's all part of maturing. I'd rather choose to make these decisions when the potential backlash is weakest. Think of it as a controlled fall. As much as my health is suffering from the smoking habit, I've also grown in ways I wouldn't have predicted. Sure it's trite, but sometimes you have to take one step backward to take two steps forward.
By breaking ourselves of bad habits we grow as individuals we clear a personal hurdle and move on to the next obstacle in life. We experience positive change and personal evolution, i.e. a particular raison d'etre for those focused on self-improvement. Life is a series of progressions from one place to the next, and the big question is whether the change is, in aggregate, positive or negative. Whether symbolic or material, breaking bad habits signifies our victories over our own flaws.
