As a sports columnist for The Dartmouth, I get copied on some of the most important emails and letters sent in the sporting world. This week, for whatever reason, yielded some interesting emails, including one from Aaron Rodgers to Brett Favre, another from Theo Epstein to Manny, and another from worldwide Olympic athletes to Beijing. I feel it's my duty to fill you in on just what people who matter are saying about issues that really don't.
Dear L. A. Angels of Anaheim,
Thanks to your trade for Mark Teixeira, you are now the team to beat in the American League. You have the best record in baseball, are a shoe-in for the playoffs, yet nobody is talking about you. Why is that? Oh yeah, because nobody cares about you, especially after you changed your name from the Anaheim Angels.
Love,
Boston Red Sox, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, New York Yankees, Chicago White Sox
Dear Ron Artest,
Stop being an idiot and shut your mouth. The following quotation does not help your image:
"I'm still ghetto. That's not going to change. I'm never going to change my culture. Yao has played with a lot of black players, but I don't think he's ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture."
Looking forward to playing with you.
Not,
Yao Ming
Dear Coach K,
Do us all a solid and win gold in 2008. We have the best basketball team in the world.
Love,
America
Dear Beijing,
You've had over seven years to clean up the air in your city before we arrived...weak showing.
Looking forward to choking on smog while running,
Worldwide Olympians
Dear America,
Eat more orange tic-tacs. They are delicious.
Love,
Ryan Karr
Dear Manny Ramirez,
Your tomfoolery has reached new levels of disappointment, and I am quite angry you have put me and my sports team in this predicament. $20 million a year isn't enough for you to stay in Boston? Are you really that greedy that you will try to squeeze every last penny out of the team that has put up with your nonsense for years? Do you really not care about winning to the point where you won't play against any of the league's top pitchers just so your batting average doesn't drop a few points? You are letting the entire city of Boston down.
I want to boot on you,
Theo Epstein
Note: During the course of putting together these emails for the column, my beloved Dodgers traded for Ramirez. Big news, prompting the following:
Dear Dodger Management,
You have propelled our team to frontrunner status in the struggling NL West division. And you have also helped Ryan Karr's NL-only fantasy teams by bringing Manny to the National League. Thank you for making this move.
Love,
Dodger fans
Dear Chicago Cubs,
The Brewers will catch you.
Love,
Saint Louis Cardinals
Dear Christopher Nolan,
Thank you for directing The Dark Knight. It was brilliant.
Heath Ledger: Rest in peace.
Love,
Moviegoers
Dear Ken Griffey Jr.,
Congratulations on being traded to the Chicago White Sox. Now you can go for your first World Series championship. If you win a World Series, that rookie card Ryan Karr holds will have some value again. Best of luck.
Love,
Baseball fans
Dear Brett Favre,
First off, I respect you and everything you've done for this football team. You've served as a role model for me as I grew up as a young quarterback. Green Bay loves you and forever will. But your time is done. Take the $20 million the Packers are offering you to NOT play, and don't play. (Did the Packers seriously offer to pay Favre more to not play than they would have to pay him to play? Seriously?!) It's my time now. I will lead the Packers.
Love,
Aaron Rodgers
