We all pretend that when we grow up, we will deactivate our Facebook accounts. I'm willing to bet we won't. (Deactivate, that is. We will, believe it or not, grow up -- sometime after August 26 though, I'm sure.)
It's happening all around us. Everybody knows somebody whose engagement on the Facebook is not a joke. An older friend from high school isn't necessarily kidding about their photo album, "My Wedding, Part IV." And a few (too few) months later, Newsfeed graciously alerts us when that same irony-deprived soul has updated their status to: "Baby Johnny is the best. thing. ever."
In a tragically fast-forward version of this scenario, some of us even know friends whose profiles have already become memorials. Unlike our bodies, our Facebook selves can be resuscitated, fully intact, at any time -- even if we do deactivate. It's time we started treating our Facebook-given eternity seriously. Very seriously.
When we are ugly and old -- despite the Botox-version-13.0 coursing through our veins -- we will certainly wax nostalgic, looking back through our tagged photos from '08X. "We were young once too, and tan, and lovely," we'll wail to the student workers at our 75th, life expectancy-induced reunion. "Give me that Jack Daniels, you skinny wench. I pay your e-tuition, you know."
So, in hopes of embalming a version of yourself worth recalling in those dire future moments, let us attempt to avoid these Seven Deadly Sins of the sophomore summer Facebook.
"GLUTTONY" -- STAY OUT OF MY NEWSFEED
The cardinal rule of the Facebook is to maintain the veil of "I don't care about the Facebook" at all times. Allow yourself one profile or photo update per week. If it's hard to keep the "Missy tagged herself in 27 photos" to a once-weekly occurrence, you should probably consider getting a life.
"PRIDE" -- THE PROFILE PORTRAIT
Don't crop people out of your profile pictures awkwardly. I know, if you crop it right, you can get your bikinibody.jpg to display larger on the screen. But chopped off limbs or stray arms around your waist are unsightly reminders of the tunnel-vision narcissism that the Facebook can induce. And, when you Photoshop your picture, everyone can tell. I'm not against this. I'm just saying.
"SLOTH" " IT'S THE FACE "BOOK"
Pretend you're Nabokov. Someday, instead of "The Collected Letters of" it'll be "The Collected Wall-to-Walls." So, use punctuation! And use words, not emoticons. Think twice about everything you do: I'm sure there's a better caption for that picture than "Cute!" Try, "They've been drunk for days but they don't look like zombies yet!"
"GREED" " APPLICATIONS ARE NOT COLLECTIBLES
None. No applications allowed. The Facebook is bad enough as is. You need not add "Pokemon."
"WRATH" " RAGE, RAGE, AGAINST THE DYING OF YOUR DIGNITY
When giving titles to the oncoming onslaught of summer photo albums, please be more creative than "08X," "08XXX" or any other iteration thereof. And when creating these albums, please try to balance basement settings with outdoorsy ones. I don't care if you only went to the Copper Mines that one time -- take enough pictures to counter all the shots of you with pong paddle in hand. That way, you'll preserve at least a shred of legitimacy, despite your "Margaritaville 08X" album.
"ENVY" " 'HIS INTERESTS MADE ME LOL!'
When creating a profile that you think will be attractive to the world, remember that brevity is the soul of wit: Keep your personal profile succinct and mysterious. Your activities should be legitimate things you do on campus, with a healthy dose of self-deprecation. Your interests should not be a list of inside jokes; and no instances or synonyms of words such as "laughing," "living," "friends," "adventures" or "being promiscuous" allowed. Keep euphemisms for drugs and alcohol to a minimum, expect in the Religious Views section, where you've got the green light, as far as I'm concerned.
"LUST" " THE CARDINAL SIN: RELATIONSHIPS
The Facebook is discriminatory: It only has labels for legitimate relationships. Why can't you list yourself as "Getting slammed by ..." or "Fuckbuddies with ...?" Whatever. If you're really "In a relationship with ..." Gross. Get out of my Newsfeed. When you list yourself as "Single" again, and that little broken-heart symbol pops up on my screen, I'll cackle. You reap what you sow, and a Facebook-ordained relationship is bound to be superficial.
