Walking on Eggshells: Don't make us sound like idiots
For the final edition of WOE, I've enlisted the help of Dartmouth's finest minds: scholars like Kyle "Awareness" Owusu '07, Tanner "99th Percentile" Glass '07, Dr. Grant Lewis, Ph.D. '07, JT Wyman '08, Mike Devine '08 and Matt "Nonner" McKeon '08. I'm not really sure where this is going to go right now, but our meeting is based on airing out whatever grievances these six minds have come across in their Dartmouth experience. In keeping with the tenets of affirmative action, Kyle Owusu '07 gets to start things off:
Kyle Owusu: What's the deal with Parking Operations? Where do they get off charging $50 for parking tickets? The town of Hanover only charges $10, and I know they make money. Why the five times? The school hates us.
Grant Lewis: My tickets are only $10.
Rob Esposito: You don't pay them, anyway.
KO: Why can't seniors go negative on DBA?
Matt McKeon: And why can't we get our money back at the end of the year?
Tanner Glass: Yeah, we need to stock up on snack food soon.
RE: Who has a lot of money left?
TG: I have $1400 left on DBA.
MM: Let's buy Topside. The whole thing.
GL: They won't let you.
RE: Alright, next. How about class dues? Are you paying them, Kyle?
KO: Nope. Not paying them.
J.T. Wyman: What about Heorot dues, Kyle? You ever going to pay them?
KO: Nope, probably not.
RE: Class dues are basically just buying a subscription to the Dartmouth Alumni Magazine. They just call it "class dues" so more people will feel obligated to pay.
RE: I have a feeling this is turning out be the best or the worst WOE ever.
JTW: I think it's headed toward worst right now.
GL: No way. This is hilarious.
MM: This is my first Walking on Eggshells.
RE: Thanks for that vibrant addition to the column, Matthew.
GL: How about girlfriends? Where's the wang time? That's a grievance.
JTW: Interesting comment, coming from Lewis.
GL: I'm still wanging.
RE: Devine, what about you? You haven't said much.
MD: I'm trying to keep quiet over here.
GL: All I'm saying is the wang time has gone downhill.
MD: It oscillates.
TG: How about the opposite of grievance? Officer Timmins -- he's a beauty.
[Sam Beattie '07 enters the room]
RE: Sam Beattie! Do you have any senior grievances?
SB: Yeah, I do. How about the fact that everything on campus happens during the 4 to 6 p.m. time slot. It's during athletic practices and athletes can't participate in them. I couldn't get qualified in CPR to lead a trip because all of the classes started at 4 p.m.
JTW: Sounds to me like your grievance should be crew, Beattie.
At this point, the group decided that the list was sufficient, and the session ended.
And now, I'm not really quite sure how to conclude this final edition of WOE. Despite my attempts to convince someone in The D's sports department to continue the column next year in my memory, no one had the balls to step up, so this is it. I will say that the 25 minutes I spend writing this column each week have almost always been a source of great personal enjoyment, and I hope the few faithful WOE readers out there have been able to share in some of that. I've poked fun at athletic directors, mascot-crazed students, depraved Dartmouth seniors, equestrian teams, fraternities, amateur dog fighters, sororities, Dave "The Flove" Glovsky '08, The D, professional felons posing as football players, professional cheaters posing as home-run hitters and, of course, myself in the past year. In parting, I can think of no better way to end the final WOE with the words of Andrew Marvell, in "To His Coy Mistress":
Let us roll all our strength, and all
Our sweetness, up into one ball;/And tear our pleasures with rough strife/Thorough the iron gates of life./Thus, though we cannot make our sun/Stand still, yet we will make him run.