Walking on eggshells
You guys have no idea how lucky you are. This week's column was dangerously close to never being written. There I was, barely a week into my senior spring, and I was already battling a severe case of senioritis. Making it to class was out of the question. Simply getting out of bed was a chore. My fingers hardly had the strength to hold the Xbox 360 controller as I cut down lambent wretches with my chainsaw, splattering blood and goo onto my Gears of War screen. And just as I was dialing EBA's at two in the afternoon to order lunch because I was too lazy to walk to the Hop, I was blitzed by one of the four Dartmouth students who actually read Dave Glovsky '08's weekly column in The D, "The Glove."
"Tough column in today's D," it said, and it took me a few moments to pop out of my video game-induced stupor before I went online and read one of the worst displays of journalism in recent memory.
No, it wasn't the mindless dribble, it was worse. It was Glovsky. Never mind his shameless "cool-by-association" name-dropping or his laughable sentence structure, but to rip apart my NCAA bracket? My picks were my manhood, Glovsky. How could you? You see before you a broken man, torn to pieces by one of the greatest minds of our time, David N. Flovsky -- Long Live the Flove.
But enough with the tongue-in-cheek. I'm back in action and ready with awards that will have you wondering why you didn't study harder and become the commissioner of Major League Baseball so you could pay yourself $14.5 million a year, just like Bud Selig did in 2005. That's right, according to MLB tax returns obtained by Sports Business Journal, Bud decided to settle on $14.5 million as his salary. I guess preventing things like steroids from detracting from the legitimacy of your sport don't seem as important when you're busy trying to figure out what you should spend your next million on.
Congrats, Bud. You've earned the first ever Jerkstore of the Weekend Award (cite: "Seinfeld"), a new segment I will probably include whenever I feel like it, but don't be afraid to enjoy it while it lasts.
OK, that's enough enjoyment for one day. On to awards:
Thug of the Weekend: Joey Porter, Dolphins LB
With the ink still drying on his new five-year, $32 million contract with the Miami Dolphins, Joey Porter has decided that he likes his name in the headlines. With the help of six other men, Porter allegedly assaulted Cincinnati Bengals left tackle Levi Jones just two weeks ago in a Las Vegas casino. Jones would not say if he plans to file a civil suit, but sources have leaked that most likely he'll just stop whining to the Cincinnati Inquirer and give Porter the money he owed him before he gets his kneecaps shattered.
Legal Victory of the Weekend: N.J. Superior Court Judge Joseph Falcone
The most honorable Joseph Falcone, a New Jersey Superior Court Judge, recently ruled that John Peragallo, Mennen Sports Arena's Zamboni operator, could not be charged with drunk driving on the grounds that a Zamboni is not a motor vehicle because they are not operated on highways and can't carry passengers. Peragallo's license revocation and penalties were overturned by the New Jersey Superior Court Judge who also suggested to Peragallo that taking a shot of Sambuca with morning coffee and then downing two Valiums is probably not the most promising way to prepare for a long day of drinking on the job.
Most Athletic Fraternity of the Weekend Award: Chi Heorot
Many Theta Delts will have you believe that their pile of IM championships in nearly every intramural sport imaginable makes them the best athletes on campus and thus, some of the sweetest individuals to grace God's green earth. Unfortunately, they spit vile lies through those cavity-riddled sweet teeth of theirs. As anyone with a brain will tell you, Heorot is home to the best athletes on campus. Take, for instance, the latest results from the Men's Slalom in the United States Alpine Championships, fresh off the press from Girdwood, Alaska: 1. Jimmy Cochran; 2. Ted Ligety (his little brother is a Heorot); 3. Bode Miller (probably would be a Heorot if he went to Dartmouth); 4. Paul MacDonald (Heorot); 5. David Chodounsky (Heorot). Congrats on the great skiing, guys. Theta Delt, keep shining that IM softball trophy. We'll keep shining our golden one.