Walking on Eggshells

by Rob Esposito | 3/28/07 5:00am

So it's finally senior spring, and what better way to celebrate the Class of 2007's last term at Dartmouth than with an NCAA tournament completely bereft of major upsets and a final four with two one-seeds and two two-seeds. Boring. For all of you faithful WOE readers out there wondering, I had UNC beating Florida for the championship, so if you haven't guessed already, my interest in the tournament is lackluster at best now that I am officially out of my pools.

Aside from March Madness, I took a break from most major sporting events in the past two weeks and as a result I have nothing to preface another string of hilarious awards. However, I am confident that the weeks off have given my brain plenty of time to detox, rest and recover and it should be ready to spawn plenty of hilarity in next week's opening paragraphs.

Buy of the Weekend: Pride Championship Fighting

In what many are already calling the next generation of entertainment fighting, the Ultimate Fighting Championship has agreed to buy out its largest rival, Pride Championship Fighting, for a little less than $70 million. Rumors that the UFC has also had talks with World Wrestling Entertainment in another buyout deal have surfaced in the midst of the UFC/PCF merger, although nothing of the sort has been confirmed. When asked about the possible merger with the UFC, WWE star Triple-H said, "Those UFC fighters think they're so tough. We'll see how tough they are when I dropkick them from the top of the Octagon and German Suplex them out of the ring. Triple-H is coming for you and your belt, Chuck Liddell!" After the interview, longtime WWF interviewer Gene Okerland was then head-butted by Triple-H, who proceeded to bite off the top of his microphone.

Crash of the Weekend: Eddie Griffin, $1.5 million Ferrari

That's right. "Undercover Brother" Eddie Griffin found himself under the hood of his $1.5 million Ferrari Enzo this weekend after crashing it into a concrete wall during practice laps at a California racetrack. Griffin managed to escape the crash without any major injuries, but the Ferrari Enzo was totaled. Only 400 Ferrari Enzos have ever been produced, a number that actually matches the number of people who went to see Griffin's latest flop "Norbit" in theaters.

Fight of the Weekend: Jon Sim, LW Atlanta Thrashers vs. Mark Bell, LW San Jose Sharks

Well, this one wasn't even close. In the second period of what eventually ended up being a 5-1 blowout in favor of the Sharks, Jon Sim and Mark Bell squared off. As admirable as it was for Sim to go up against a bigger, taller and well-known fighter like Bell to spark the Thrashers to a comeback, I'm pretty sure having his left orbital bone broken and his being incapacitated for possibly the rest of the season was not in the plan. After the fight, Bell said, "I was really surprised to see Jon come after me like that. I mean, he's six inches shorter than me and I've got at least 20 pounds on him -- what did he think was going to happen? I broke his orbital, we won by four goals and now his team is down a second line left winger going into the playoffs. Idiot."

No-Show of the Weekend: Michelle Wie

Just in case you forgot about the only 17-year old phenom to miss the cut in over 10 PGA tour events and not win anything noteworthy in her career, Michelle Wie has made it back into the headlines with news that she will not be able to play at this year's Kraft Nabisco Championship. Wie, who came close to actually winning an event in last year's Kraft Nabisco Championship but instead three-putted her way to another disappointment, has withdrawn from this year's event due to a wrist injury. Although the cause of the injury has not been made public, sources close to Wie have leaked that the injury is the result of countless hours flipping through the pages of the program for Dartmouth men's hockey and ogling pictures of Ivy League Player of the Year and All-American stud David Jones '08.