I used to be a two-sport athlete who made the women swoon, but now I rely on fraternity intramurals to give me Wednesday night bragging rights. I still recount my days of playing public school basketball in New York City and competing against baseball teams that communicated only Spanish in the hopes that both, together, will give me some semblance of street-cred, at least by New Hampshire standards. Nevertheless, the time to shine is upon us all once again. I present to you Evan's Top Ten List of Summer Sports Ideas:
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Frisbee -- This one is on the list only because I have to put it there for the sake of the delusional who believe that throwing a mock flying saucer that doesn't even go straight (at least when I throw it ) is an actual form of athletic competition. Is it the most clich activity to do on a college campus? Yes. Does everyone do it? Indeed. Is it a real sport? No! But whatever, it's on the list.
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Golf -- At number nine we have the most pompous, elitist and exclusive sport on the planet. Now what could be a better Dartmouth summer pastime? Golf represents the perfect opportunity for sophomores to act way too old and rich at way too young an age. Can we just admit that the majority of golf physical education participants are there in the hopes of improving the best athletic mechanism for fostering future business connections? Okay, so maybe, as with frisbee, I am biased because I can't actually play the sport. But the gear is pretty pimp, so it makes the list.
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Swimming -- Swimming is a summer requirement. After months of tundra-like weather we finally have an excuse to show off the goods! Alright, so some of us may not have the goods to show off, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? There is no better way to escape the scorching sun, so get down to the riverbank with your board shorts and bikinis and splash around, friends! (As a side note, skinny-dipping falls under this category as well -- but for the sake of us all, this "sport" should be reserved only for those who can pull it off. Thank you.)
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Running -- In the number seven spot we find running. Whether you can sprint for miles or jog for two minutes, everyone can partake in this exercise. I recommend running to Norwich for two reasons: it's pretty, and you can brag afterwards that you ran across two states. Running is, in fact, the greatest form of meditation or reflection. You can distract yourself from pure physical exertion by pondering the meaning of life or the best strategy for sending that hottie you met last night playing pong at Chi Gamma Epsilon fraternity an e-mail. I would, however, like to set one rule for jogging at Dartmouth -- no polo shirts permitted. We all know you are Ivy League; you have no one left to convince. Leave the collars at home -- this is running, not Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity.
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Soccer -- Every four years I become a soccer fanatic. The World Cup, also known as "the rest of the world's one opportunity to pretend they are better than the U.S.," serves as a momentary reminder to Americans of that "fifth sport" which forbids us from using our hands. While in Buenos Aires on the Spanish Foreign Study Program this past term I made sure to purchase a stunning Argentine soccer jersey. It may not make me a more coordinated soccer player, but I'll certainly look better trying. Ftbol on the Green, anyone?
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The new gym -- So we finally have one! It sure took long enough, so let's not waste it. After all our outdoor activities, who won't need an air-conditioning break -- or at least some flat-screen TV viewing time?
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Street ball -- That's right, I said it: street ball is coming to Dartmouth! Well, not really, but I have heard they set up a few outdoor hoops around campus. Maybe we can try to convince the Student Assembly to finally spend money on something worthwhile, like chain nets perhaps, or even dribbling lessons from The Professor? Why do I have a feeling about six people on campus will even understand what I'm talking about ... never mind.
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Non-alcoholic rafting -- With my third-most recommended summer sporting idea, I'd like to propose something completely radical. I think we should all take rafts -- most likely designed to perfection by fraternity brothers -- down to the Connecticut River for an innocent afternoon of fun! There will be no alcohol, it will not be called Tubestock, and it certainly will not become a summer tradition! Right? Right?? Hi Dean Larimore.
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Softball -- Baseball is America's greatest summer tradition. Since baseball has passed all of us non-varsity athletes by, however, we have no choice but to turn our washed-up twenty-year-old bodies towards the country's second-greatest sporting tradition: softball! A softball league is a must for our sophomore summer -- single-sex for the ragey, competitive types, or coed for those who want to teach chicks how to bat in a sketchy, aggressively sexual kind of way. Depending on how old-school we're feeling, we could even go as throw-back as starting a stickball league. All we need is a stick and something round to enjoy this hobby of our grandparents' generation. And even if you can't find a stick, you can just rip one off a tree and then brag about how hard you are. Clearly, we would use milk cartons for gloves. The Dartmouth Stickball League, better known as DSL, would be glorious.
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Pong -- I could have tried to be creative with the number one sophomore summer sports option, but I would have just been kidding myself. The greatest sport in Dartmouth history will certainly reign supreme this summer as well. With a Master's tournament that puts the golfing event to shame, pong gives even the most unfit, unhealthy individuals on campus a chance to overcompensate. Well, maybe we shouldn't brag about that, after all.
