Since spring term of last year, the Dartmouth fitness center has been relocated to our miniature indoor track. I am all for expansion, upgrading, and all that good stuff, but when it is at the expense of the well-being of our body and souls, attention must be paid! It is understood that concessions and sacrifices come with the territory of rebuilding, but a minimal level of exercise capabilities is not too much to ask.
Having served my time in the mental (and sometimes physical) prison that was pledge term, this writer was ready to pump some iron and, as the kids say, get mad huge. After foregoing any physical activity whatsoever due to our "loyalty to the brotherhood," I was energized by the possibility of becoming more 50 Cent and less Ruben Studdard ("Sorry 2004" just didn't do it for me). My term-long diet of EBA's and light beer had created a monster, and with the "Rocky" soundtrack blaring, I was set -- or so I thought.
However, upon my arrival to the gym, "Eye of the Tiger" was drowned out by crusty 1940's ballroom dancing tunes. To my horror, my dreams of regaining a Lebron-like crossover were crushed by a little lady frolicking around with a nifty headset demanding one-two steps from awed onlookers. Make no mistake; I have nothing against ballroom dancing. The sport, after all, has produced some of the greatest and most productive members of the human race. Some critics argue that Fred Astaire was the essential ingredient in the Allies' victory over Nazi Germany. Nevertheless, the only thought that raced through my mind (besides the fact that I was wildly jealous of her Madonna headpiece) was why here? Why now?
Are there not 100 other places for ballroom dancing than our already overly crowded gym space? There is no reason why the one remaining basketball court should be monopolized by a class which could be held in Collis commonground, the top of the Hop, Fuel, the middle of the green, Crawford, Tex., etc.
I have a friend who had been trying to get on an elliptical for three weeks but instead joined the Karate class that occupies half of the floor downstairs. Self-defense is certainly a worthy art. Who doesn't want to take names in the morning and kick butt in the evening, all the while donning a sweet robe? Yet, can't you do it somewhere else?
Seriously, when running after a loose ball, there is no reason in the world why one should have to worry about getting stabbed in the heart! This is New Hampshire, not Compton. Take your fencing off my court!
They say our new fitness center will be stunning, with state-of-the-art equipment, a spacious environment, and even televisions. Yet the better question is, why has it taken 237 years to figure out that 40 grand per student deserves more than four treadmills (three of which fail to work on a regular basis), a few free weights, two bench presses, and an intensely odoriferous (it's a word, I checked) workout area. If Dan Webster were around today, the man would have a hernia!
Apparently, our Olympic-sized fitness complex is also open to the entire Upper Valley (and lower valley, and valley to the left, etc.). It's enough that students must call three weeks in advance to reserve a machine ahead of other students; but when we also have to compete for time with people who appear to be straight out of Dodgeball's "Average Joe's Gym," red flags must be thrown. Upon coming to Dartmouth, I naively figured that locals just ran around in the woods for exercise. Not so.
Altruism is super, but here is a better idea. How about the administration uses the gym dues paid by the townies to build them another workout room? Crazy, I know. I don't mean to sound too Ivy League, but watching older men in short-shorts occupy weight benches as if they were handicap spaces at the supermarket does not pump me up for a session of heavy lifting (we're talking 25 pounds-plus here).
My final rant concerns the mere lack of basketball access at Dartmouth. Not only is there negative appeal for going to watch a game at this school, but there is a nine-in-ten chance of all two of our public courts being used by sword-fighting, jiu-jitsu, or the Bolshoi Ballet. I have a friend at the University of Massachusetts who told me they have 137 courts and 1,500 kids playing at the same time. While that is clearly a lie, there is no reason we should have two courts, none of which is available for more than two hours at a time. I can guarantee that there are more than 10 kids at the College who want to ball in a given afternoon. The fact that there are more courts in the schoolyard across the street from my house than there are at Dartmouth is a good sign that we are lacking.
I propose the school allows us normal folk to play at Leede Arena. There are two very usable courts which are not always busy. Understandably, varsity athletes should get priority, but banning everyone else is just unnecessary. They say we would dirty the court, but trust me, it's dirtied every time the men's team plays anyway. Freeing up more basketball space would eliminate much of the crowding at Alumni and make all our lives that much more pleasant.
I mean not to offend. And I hope that our new gym is truly spectacular. But please, please, PLEASE hurry up and build that piece, for the sake of non-varsity athletes, humanity and for that nasty stank which clogs my nostrils every time I walk on to the court. Thank you, and God bless.
