I had two choices of where to take this column. Should I be serious and profound or should I, well, not? At first, I considered the former and, in fact, decided to write an article exploring the glorious and poetic meaning of "sport" itself. However, I realized that would just continue the trend of having a three-person readership for my work -- my mother, my father and grandma Zelda, who actually compensates me financially for every article I send her. Then, after accidentally flipping on the Deuce (ESPN2) one night over spring break, I found my true calling.
I tuned in just in time to catch the end of the Lady Green's first round spanking at the hands of three-time defending national champion UConn. According to the Dartmouth athletics website, our girls were merely "tripped" by the Lady Huskies. Losing 95-47 is actually more like throwing a brick at a blind child -- but that's beside the point. Like any American-bred sports fan, my first reaction was to laugh at the Dartmouth women's 48-point misfortune -- and I did, for about 20 minutes. But then I said to myself, "Evan, there must be a deeper meaning to this outcome. There is a reason for everything, even losing by a half-century. Think, dogg." I sat down in my special place sipping a large Jamba and surrounded by feng shui candles. Well actually, that's a complete lie, I'm no herb. But I did ponder this divine truth, and ponder it hard. Finally, after seconds and seconds of thought, I came up with the top-ten reasons why losing by 48-points to UConn is okay, after all. Enjoy
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If we want, we can just NRO the outcome of the game -- it's not on the list of exclusions, I checked.
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Once a lead gets past 20, it's all the same. 21, 22, 48 who's counting?
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Forget Canseco, Congress should take a look a closer look at the Lady Huskies. In the words of the greatest anchor of our time, one Ron Burgundy, going to UConn games is like having two tickets to the gun show. (Did anyone else cry man tears when they saw the pre-game commercial where the UConn girls actually flexed???) So at least our girls will never have to experience 'roid rage.
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Our men's team would have lost by more.
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There is a good chance the UConn girls will be associated with the WNBA and Rebecca Lobo. Sorry UConn.
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Does anyone really want to be a Lady Huskie anyway? Kind of an ironic name, no?
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We can at least subtract 95-47. Not saying UConn students can't, but you know, they probably can't.
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While they were winning three consecutive national titles, we were figuring out how to embellish internship applications. Come on, which would you rather be doing?
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Although it was on national television, women's NCAA basketball has worse ratings than America's Next Top Model (I didn't make it up). Luckily, no one saw us lose, so like a tree falling in the middle of a forest, it's as if it never happened!
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Don't worry girls, when their WNBA careers are over, they'll just be working for you anyway.
