Round 1
- George Costanza, "Seinfeld," C--Mark
Mark: The obvious top choice. For those of you unfortunate souls who have not seen every "Seinfeld" episode multiple times, George is an avid softball player. In one episode he runs over none other than Bette Midler at the plate to score a run. He also worked for the New York Yankees and once instructed Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams on how to hit homeruns. His portly but sturdy physique is also a perfect fit for a catcher.
- Cosmo Kramer, "Seinfeld," 1B--Adam
Adam: At first, I was hesitant to draft Kramer because I didn't want the first two picks to come from the same show. But then I realized that sometimes one program just has all the talent. Seinfeld's like the University of Auburn, which has two great running backs, or Hall and Oates, which had two great singer/songwriters. So I went with CK at first base. He's got great range and a good stretch.
Fred: Baseball players are supposed to be eccentric. Kramer may take this one step too far. I can't see someone who makes food in the shower as a productive clean-up hitter.
- MacGyver, "MacGyver," 3B--Fred
Fred: MacGyver does it all, and I have a suspicion that he is a closet born-again, just like Bill Mueller. Mueller won the World Series; MacGyver can't hurt my chances.
Adam: I don't know why I'm so sure about this, but I would bet good money that MacGyver was one of those guys who wore baseball pants and eye black to every slow pitch softball game.
Mark: When I was planning my potential draft choices, MacGyver popped into my head. After a second, though, I said to myself, "Ha ha! That would be a terrible pick! Just because someone can make a nuclear bomb out of fishing line and a stick of deodorant, that does not translate in any way to skills on a baseball field." That said, I was not surprised Fred used his first round pick on him.
Round 2
- The Fonz, "Happy Days," SS--Fred
Fred: Your shortstop is supposed to be the cool guy on the team. Nomar, Jeter, Tejada, Renteria... the list goes on. All at one point have been the coolest players on their team. It is just as important to be able to turn a double play as it is to choose which bar to go to after the game. Who could possibly be a cooler character than The Fonz?
Mark: You don't see many good baseball players wearing leather jackets on the field.
- Balki Bartokomous, "Perfect Strangers," 2B--Adam
Adam: During the Perfect Strangers theme song ("Nothing's Gonna Stop Me Now"), Balki and Cousin Larry are shown in front of Wrigley Field. I would watch the program every day after school, and I would always hope that they would finally show the episode when they went to a Cubs game. They never showed it. Now, looking back, I think Wrigley was only in the opening credits because Wrigley is an essential Chicago landmark. That sucks, though, because I really wanted to see them go to a baseball game.
Fred: Another in a long line of great European baseball players.
Mark: Foreign countries have proved fruitful sources of talent, but I don't recall any major league players hailing from the island nation of Mypos.
- B.A. Baracus, "A-Team," 1B--Mark
Mark: Easily the best pure athlete available. Also, as a baseball fan who claims the Oakland A's of the late 1980s as his all-time favorite team -- a squad that boasted both Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire -- I am willing to turn a blind eye to a potentially juiced- up player like Mr. T.
Fred: New steroid regulations. I think he will last in the majors only until his first cup of urine is examined. In other words, Mark was awed by his biceps and not acting rationally.
Adam: How is Mr. T going to perform now that Major League Baseball has implemented random drug testing? I'm guessing he's never going to hit 50 home runs again. But he'll probably seem a lot nicer.
Round 3
- A.C. Slater, "Saved By The Bell," 2B--Mark
Adam: Jose Canseco + Soul Glow " Facial Tick + Zubaz pants = A.C. Slater. Is there any solid evidence that A.C. is not Jose and Ozzie Canseco's lost triplet brother?
- Clark Kent, "Superman," 3B--Adam
Adam: He's Superman. He can hit the ball over the fence every time if he wants. I don't know why this pick is even legal. He's going to single-handedly destroy teams, kind of like me during the 03X intramural softball season when I batted .800 with two inside the park home runs. I was also a good left center fielder and made several routine plays look spectacular.
Fred: Sweet. This might as well be cheating. Why not draft Spider-Man, Inspector Gadget and He-Man too?
- Peter Griffin, "Family Guy," C--Fred
Fred: Catchers are supposed to be leaders, and according to our draft, it seems also that they have to be comedically fat. Peter is the head of a severely dysfunctional family, like my infield is. He also makes Homer Simpson look svelte.
Mark: I'll interject to relay a comment made by Jayme Ahmed, one of those in the standing-room-only audience at the draft. In response to a related question of "Which on-campus athlete would you want to put on a TV show, and what would that show be about?" she offered this suggestion: "I would do a Pop-Up Video version of the Fabulous Life of Jesse Klempner. This way, I could build up Klempner's reputation and self-esteem and then pretty much instantaneously knock it down. For instance, I would elaborate on his membership on the renowned lacrosse team, but then inform viewers that, indeed, I am undefeated against Klempner in a similar hand-eye coordination related sport that often takes place in fraternal basements. Then, I would give attention to Klempner's apparent obnoxiously high grade in CS 4 but soon remind viewers of his late night motorcycle escapades."
Round 4
- Troy McClure, "The Simpsons," 1B--Fred
Fred: First basemen are essentially the people you usually want to hide in your defense. Washed up outfielder but can still hit? Put him at first. Aging infielder who has put on weight and whose knees are on their last legs? Put him at first. Troy may be washed up, but he can still hit.
Mark: I haven't seen this many inexplicably poor choices since Fred picked Margaret Sanger and Kofi Annan for his basketball team of historical figures.
- Blossom, "Blossom," SS--Adam
Adam: Here's why I drafted Blossom: I'm already going to win because I have Superman, so if I put Blossom at shortstop, there's a slight chance that Mr. T will hit a line drive into her forehead, which would be good. Also, Mark and Fred are sexist.
Fred: Adam has been spending too much time watching "A League of Their Own" again. Tough call.
Mark: I know Adam embraces gender equality in all possible situations, but I think he could have found a better female TV character. Like Star Jones, for example.
- Ricky Ricardo, "I Love Lucy," SS--Mark
Mark: It's pretty much required to have at least one shortstop on every major league roster that is of Hispanic descent.
Round 5
- David Puddy, "Seinfeld," 3B--Mark
Mark: Noted Draft Board expert Betsy "Elizabeth" Williamson dropped in to analyze the teams, and even Fred had to admit she seemed to favor my team. Looks like another entry in the win column for my team.
- Carl Winslow, "Family Matters," C--Adam
Fred: Comedically fat. Kinda like Adam after Christmas Break '02-'03.
Adam: So just for the record, I once again have drafted the most diverse team. I have an African-American, a whatever Kramer is, a girl, a superhero from the planet of Krypton and a Myposian shepherd. Granted, my team sucks with the exception of Superman. But I think we can ride his cape to victory.
- Ralphie Cifaretto, "The Sopranos," 2B--Fred
Fred: The Red Sox have been making no-name 2B reclamation projects for the past few seasons, and it seems to work for them.
Mark: Fred did not make a single pick that made any sense to me at all. So, overall, a pretty standard draft for Fred.
