It's a tribute to Dartmouth's draconian park
ing enforcement policies that the anti-SUV "parking tickets" that appear every so often in A-Lot strike fear into us environmental criminals.
The first few that I found were cleverly printed on paper (recycled, hopefully) the same shade as Parking Operations' violation forms. Fortunately (and unfortunately for our planet's forest resources) the content of these "Earth On Empty" flyers is of less import than a parking citation written against a U.N. diplomat.
One of the very first things that the Dartmouth SUV driver notices is the pandering tone of the violation's introduction. "Did you get excited when you saw that ad for an SUV in the remote wilderness? Did you want to sue the maker for false advertising when you used it to drive to the shopping center instead?"
I guess I'm a complete putz for desiring and driving a car that has features that I barely use. I guess I should get rid of those airbags, seatbelts and anti-lock brakes because I don't plan to be in an accident.
Nobody in their right mind can predict the situations in which they may find themselves sometime. Some people are risk- averse and some are not risk-averse. And it's not a truism that our desires should be in line with our needs.
SUV drivers who have the emotional vulnerability to read on will probably notice that the make and model of their sport utility vehicles almost certainly do not match the makes and models of sports utility vehicles shown. EarthOnEmpty.com has helpfully supplied predictably horrible fuel-efficiency information on six SUVs " the Ford Excursion, the Lincoln Navigator, the Dodge Durango, the Toyota Land Cruiser, the Jeep Cherokee and the Mercedes M-class. These SUVs don't have anything more than a 20 percent share of the SUV market. The Ford Excursion and Toyota Land Cruiser are not even being sold in the United States any longer. You can't indict somebody for doing something for which he is not, strictly speaking, responsible. Who is to say that "Earth On Empty" knows the exact gas mileage at which you drive? They don't! They can't! Gas mileage has to do not only with the vehicle you drive but also how and where you drive it.
"Earth On Empty" has also provided us with selective "empirical" evidence against driving SUVs. For instance, they note that SUVs are permitted to use 33 percent more gas than regular cars. I'll think about that when I'm designing a new SUV. I guess the only things stopping SUVs from using 100 percent more gasoline are federal rules.
Heck, the only things stopping me from walking out of Topliff right now and attacking those damn proximity card readers with my (zero-emission, Earth-friendly) electric drill are Dartmouth's rules and regulations. And the only thing stopping me from getting rip-roaring drunk and naked and then streaking sororities is Hanover's public-indecency law. And given the choice, SUV customers would choose to buy more gasoline at $1.45 a gallon since they so love destroying the earth and paying to do it.
The card goes on to discuss what we all have known about SUVs for years -- that we're somehow a danger to ourselves and others and the environment far in excess of other drivers.
That's great. Maybe 12-cylinder BMW luxury sedans, "rice rockets," snowmobiles and "hog" motorcycles are all better ways to get around New Hampshire than someone's sports-utility vehicle. They don't use gasoline or oil on anywhere near the scale that SUVs do. And by buying them, we make ourselves much safer drivers. I've been told it's some sort of voodoo curse that makes you less drunk, more risk-averse, cuts off your maximum speed at 40 miles per hour and somehow turns off your cell phone every time you're at the wheel. Maybe that's how we should save the rainforest.
One of the richest quotes that "Earth On Empty" cites is from that leader of the deluded, feebleminded and Republican mob of SUV drivers -- George W. Bush. "Conservation does not mean doing without" has been attributed to him. "Thanks to new technologies, it can mean doing better and smarter and cheaper," he says.
That's great, George. I can see that the Ford F-350 commercial pickup truck you drive around your non-functioning Texas ranch is the best, smartest and cheapest way to impress guys like Jiang Zemin and Vladimir Putin with your shining intellect. Mr. President, "new technologies" are, by their very definition, new. They didn't exist when I got my SUV (although Ford put enough in there to make it into a Low-Emissions vehicle).
How can you blame me for the technologies that didn't exist when the car was designed? Should I have some sort of time machine?
It is Alumni Weekend, and somehow the graduates and students of this Ivy League university are assumed to be dumber than the rocks that Granite State farmers grow in their fields. Fortunately, "Earth On Empty" has given us a chance to both demonstrate our intelligence and save the environment as well.
Do as I do: Lift up your wiper. Take that damn flyer. Crumple it up. Laugh maniacally if you like. Then compost it and drive as you normally would.
