In just a few short months, the American people will once again fall victim to one of the cruelest and all-too usual forms of torture in existence. I'm not talking about President Bush opening his mouth to speak or Britney Spears teaming up with Eminem to release a hit single entitled "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman, So I'm Gonna Put A Cap In Yo' Ass. Na Na Na Na Na."
I'm talking about elections and the horrible campaigns that lead up to them " the biennial events so feared by Americans that close to 50 percent of them (and even more in congressional election years) would rather barricade themselves in their homes and watch a Jerry Springer rerun about animal-midget-baseball sex than exercise their greatest civic and democratic right. That's right " coming soon to a television, a radio, a newspaper and an Internet website near you are weeks of action-packed, dirty language-filled and boring-and-predictable-as-ever congressional campaigns. And for the thirteen or so Americans who actually pay attention to campaigns, these weeks will be hell.
But it doesn't have to be like this. There is a way for Americans to stay educated about their country's political parties and candidates while still completely ignoring campaigns and the media bonanza covering them. Using the following simple guide, Americans will be able to get enough information about the political parties to know who to vote for during the upcoming election " without having to endure hours of ads and press coverage about the candidates. The following descriptions of some of the political parties in the U.S. will hopefully encourage even the laziest and politics-phobic people to get off their couches and vote for some undeserving politician.
The Democratic Party " the party of Bill Clinton, Gary Condit, James Traficant and other jackasses. If you are one or more of the following, you are obligated to vote for a Democrat: a college student, a professor, a person with the last name "Kennedy," a fetus killer, a pothead (see also "Green Party"), a philosophy major, a person who prefers trees to crude oil, a resident of New England (except New Hampshire), a homosexual, a Hindu, a Black, a Buddhist, a Hispanic, a Muslim, an Asian, a Jew, an Indian, an atheist or a member of any ethnic, racial or religious minority. If you are "different" you must also vote Democrat.
The Democratic Party stands for high taxes, high crime, high wages and people high on drugs. Also a part of the Democratic platform is a commitment to "prosperity, progress, peace," educating children, helping the poor and stealing money. If these ideals appeal to you or if you fell into one of the categories in the list above, vote for a Democrat in the upcoming elections. If, however, these ideals aren't radical enough and you feel like breaking or destroying something to achieve a more extreme version of these ideals, see "Green Party."
The Republican Party " Joseph McCarthy, David Duke, Pat Buchanan and George W. Bush are a few of the Republican Party greats. If you are one of the following you will fit quite well in the Republican Party: a perfectly white person or a perfectly white person. Sometimes the party makes exceptions, however, and will accept white people with freckles, birthmarks, earrings, etc. If you are not perfectly white, but fall into one of the following categories, you may want to consider voting Republican: gun owners, people named Sue-Bob or Joe-Wilma, Southerners, rich people, Enron executives, racists, old Dartmouth alums, people who like to execute mentally retarded people, pickup truck owners, grumpy old people.
The Republican Party supports stealing from the poor and giving to the rich, executing shoplifters, blowing up third-world countries and making children dumb. Also essential to any true Republican is the ideal of compassionate conservatism: making a system of government that is effective and efficient while still caring, sensitive and loving. Coupled closely to this idea of compassionate conservatism is the creation of a huge military that can destroy lots and lots of stuff " how better to be compassionate than with thousands of nuclear warheads? If compassionate conservatism or any of the above mentioned principles complement your own, vote for a Republican in the next election. If you support these ideals but feel they are too tame for your tastes, however, refer to "Theodore Kaczynski's Handbook on Proper Government."
Political Independents " Famous political Independents include: no one. You should vote for an Independent candidate if you are: very confused, too afraid to register with one of the real parties, a WWF wrestling fan, attracted to people with huge ears, or naive enough to think that, by some miracle of God, an Independent will actually win something. Independents stand for being able to stand for not standing for anything. If any of this makes sense to you, vote Independent.
Green Party " This is the party of Ralph Nader and hordes of freshly pubesced youth angry with their parents for not letting them stay out past 11. "Econazis," "femnazis," "animal-rights-nazis" (I made this one up myself), terminally high potheads, people with friends and family on death row, Starbucks Coffee lovers, Democratic Party saboteurs, and Shakespeare-quoting anarchists comprise the base of the Green Party. Green Party members are essentially non-wimpy Democrats. The Green Party stands for peace and civil rights, but, more importantly, national insecurity and chaos. If you would rather kill a human than an animal, or would rather put 100,000 people out of work than injure a blade of grass, or would rather elect a president with views opposite yours than a president with slightly different views " vote for a Green party candidate.
Indeed, this is only a partial listing of American political parties. But for those Americans who didn't even know that there are elections every two years, this should be more than enough information. So, pick the party that offends you least and elect their candidate to ruin our country " we've already done it so many times before, why stop?