Over the months I've been writing for "The D," my columns have leaned 90 degrees to the Right, the free market, and the relentless and unfettered pursuit of all the things that we conservatives love -- defense spending, oil drilling, and tax cuts. So it shouldn't surprise anyone that today I'm writing about how something invented since the Eisenhower Administration is weakening the moral fiber of America and undermining our ability to resist the insidious threat posed by foreign forces. It isn't the Education Department -- no, that bloated federal agency is beyond help. It isn't MTV or the National Organization of Women. All of these insult the Republican, but this threat cannot be avoided, tuned out, or exorcised away by a God-fearing minister.
I'm talking about certain types of vehicles that make our unavoidable movement along good old Ike's Interstate Highway System into a chore, impeding our mobility and weakening America's defense against Arab terrorists, Mexican immigrants, and Canadian hockey players. These three types of vehicles can be classified as such:
The Small Japanese Car that has been Lowered, Decaled, Accessorized, and Tuned to the Point of Maximum Loudness. Now we conservatives are not particularly happy about imported cars, stealing American jobs and all. But we're particularly unhappy about what American teenagers -- who ought to be serving in the Military or at least the Boy Scouts -- have done to the Honda Civic. The car was a roller skate before and now they're lowering it further? Now it almost disappears under the hoods of our SUVs! Fortunately all of the spoilers, wings, and chrome increase its visibility. The real issue is that "rice rockets" have had engine and exhaust modifications such that their engines emit a very loud and un-American whine, an assault on the eardrums that reaches into the sanctity of patriotic American cars. We Republicans are not averse to sound -- indeed, the throaty rumble of a Ford V-8 or a farmer's combine; indeed, the crack of American firearms warms our cold hearts. We cannot, however stand the high-volume lawnmower racket of a rice rocket and its multiple-pierced driver revving it at stop signs and occasionally cutting loose and putting his car to its 85 mph top speed. It simply isn't natural. Loud cars should be fast, not slow!
The Harley Davidson Motorcycle. Reluctantly, this conservative must tip the scales against American motorcycles if he were forced, reluctantly, to choose between a Harley-Davidson and a Kawasaki. The reason is twofold. The first is that Harley-Davidson has managed to patent the sound made by their machines. This patent protection gives that sound a sort of prestige among its owners, who revel in gunning their engines at every single opportunity. These 21st century Easy Riders share nothing with biker gangs except their slavish pursuit of the Hell's Angel Licensed Leather Jacket, Official Hell's Angel Chrome Treatment, and other accoutrements of the authentic Hell's Angel lifestyle. We conservatives see something vaguely communist in this. Indeed, the faceless groups of Hell's Angels fold into the second reason why we conservatives loathe Harley Davidsons. Unfortunately a "biker" only achieves validation by the fraternity of "biker poseurs" and therefore we see the spectacle of groups of leather-clad bikers gunning their engines to the max in order to confirm the dubious value of the Harley Davidson lifestyle. Not a Theodore Roosevelt rugged individual in the lot of them.
The Car whose Stereo System Fills the Trunk and All Available Interior Space. As a conservative we must all be on alert for the cars that exist as a monument to rock, rap, pop, and other forms of Satan-inspired loud sexually suggestive music in general. What happened to Tony Bennett, Frank Sinatra and The Platters? That music is so noisy you can't tell whether they're playing it forwards or backwards. Who's to tell whether there aren't secret Communist messages in there? That's their sneaky Commie Social Democrat Pinko Liberal Plot! Somebody call Joe McCarthy! All of those traitors play their subliminal hypnotic messages from those powerful speakers with heavy bass, penetrating the cars around them for a 100-foot radius. It's damn un-American to disrespect the sanctity of your neighbor's car, anyway. Would you drivers who affect the inner-ear balance care if I fired a few rounds from my constitutionally protected assault weapon down at you? Yes? Well then, turn that crap down or wear headphones or something.
Truly these drivers are a threat to everything that makes America great. We should ban together to purge this scourge from our fair highways. I urge all true Americans to resist the rice rockets. If they lower their cars, raise your car and intimidate them with your size. Harley Davidsons and Loud cars should be given no quarter in the Darwinian environment of our roads. Forget "defensive driving" and go on the offense. Drive like a New Yorker. Indeed, if you really want to strike fear into the hearts of bad drivers, pick up your cell phone and dial your best friend and have a long involved chat. Punctuate your thoughts with turn signals, acceleration, and horn blasts. It's your God-given right to speak on the phone wherever you want just like it's their God-given right to gun their engines wherever they like. Use that tactic and soon the roads will be safe for freedom-loving people.