After extensive research (consisting of the reading of several Newsweek articles) I think I can now safely consider myself an expert on our war against Terrorism. I know that right now you are probably saying to yourself: "la-di-dah Captain Expert, if you are so smart why don't you tell us what we should do about this war!" (and perhaps even smirking at your clever use of the word "Captain") Well, thank you for asking, because that is exactly what I am going to do! Sure, I may not know a lot about "military strategy" or "American international politics" or even "where Afghanistan is on a map," but I do know how to type! So without further ado, I am pleased to present my practical solutions for these complex times:
OK, let me see ... I guess we should start with the basics: I believe it is obvious to most people that the key to our problems is the terrorist ringleader Osama Bin LadenI mean, Usama Bin Laden or wait, is it Asama Bin Laden? Hmmmm. OK, this brings me to my new first point:
The Name Osama/Usama/Asama Bin Laden. We have to do something about the name Osama Bin Laden! Americans can't even agree on how to spell it, let alone pump out effective propaganda. I mean, remember the Cold War when we had catchy defamation rhymes like "Russia is Fallin' under Stalin?" Nowadays we can't do much better then "No Lama Gin Cotton under Osama Bin Laden" (I don't know about you, but I'm not that impressed). This is why I think that we need to change Osama's name. My suggestion: we start calling him Shasta McNasta. Now that's a name with pizzazz! Think of the possibilities: (voice of Dan Rather) "In other news, President Bush vowed today that he would 'kick the ass-a of that bast-a Shasta McNasta.'" That would be awesome! Think about it! I bet Shasta would lose a lot of credibility with his followers. How could anyone say "I pledge my allegiance to the glorious leadership of Shasta McNasta" and keep a straight face? And without followers, he would become just another self-obsessed tall skinny guy kind of like Craig Kilborn, who while we all agree is obnoxious, is not really all that dangerous. So with this problem resolved, we can get on to more important points, like uh how about:
The Name "Taliban." I think we definitely need to do something about the name Taliban. My suggestion here: let's start referring to them as the Nerd Herd. I don't care what your beliefs are, no one wants to be involved with a group called the Nerd Herd. Imagine Saddam Hussein being interviewed: (proud voice) "I decry the Great Satan and their war against our ideals!" (softer voice) " and I also support The Nerd Herd " (pause to clear throat, even quieter voice) " and their mighty spiritual leader Shasta McNasta." I wouldn't be surprised if they lost all of their international support within a week! This leads me to my third point, which is of course:
Strategic Use of Circus-Style Background Music and Comical Voice-Overs. I think from now on we should start adding circus-style background music, and comical voice-overs ( la America's Funniest Home Videos), to any clip of the Nerd Herd that we show on the news. Couldn't you hear Bob Saget's voice overdubbing the audio of their next press conference: "blah blah blah look at me I'm stupid blah blah blah." I bet that would make a lot Afghans question their allegiance. "What the Hell!?" they would exclaim. "Listen to the circus-style background music and comical voice-overs. You would have to be a real rube to support the Nerd Herd!"
And if after all this, Afghanistan is still causing trouble, we can fall back upon my recently devised fourth point:
Tactical Use of Actors from Jerry Maguire. If we have to send someone over to Afghanistan for negotiations, we should definitely send that cute little alien kid from Jerry Maguire. How could anyone be angry at someone so adorable? Couldn't you imagine him saying in that endearingly spastic voice of his "Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds!?" (He giggles; the crowd awwwws.) I wouldn't be surprised if crazy ol' Shasta McNasta replied: "If all sinners are as enchanting as you, hell must be a lovely place!" And all this silly terrorism stuff would stop.
So there you have it, with these simple solutions this whole "war" problem can be quickly resolved! Now we can go ahead and move on to more important issues, such as:
Rachel Getting Pregnant on Friends. I did NOT see that one coming! Maybe she could name the baby Shasta?
