Jogging on a Saturday night, a 93-year old man from Phoenix was approached by two small children. One, Timmy, quickly pulled out a plastic spoon with a colorful animal at the end and threatened the jogger, unaware that his would-be victim was carrying a 150 mm long semi-acoustic Swedish piccolo. In a couple of seconds the nightmare was over: the jogger had played a couple notes on his instrument and the two children lay wounded on the ground when the police arrived.
In the end, both children were charged with assault and sentenced to death. "This proves the Arizona concealed piccolo law works," said Bill Jones, a board member of the National Piccolo Association. And if this incident isn't evidence enough that piccolos do indeed prevent crime, consider this statistic: in 1973, there were 122 piccolos in the U.S. and the homicide rate was 9.4 per 100 thousand people, while in 1992 the number of these piccolos had increased to 221 and the homicide rate had fallen to 8.5. To be sure, there is no direct correlation between the increase in piccolos and the drop in crime, but I provide these statistics anyway.
Some liberals (anti-American nuts) argue that piccolos can be bad, and should be regulated. But really, if we regulate piccolos, we'll have to regulate everything. Think about this: there were 121 children killed by piccolos in 1998, while in the same year there were 3,930 children killed by small rodents. Now, it is apparent that there isn't anybody calling for regulation of rodents. Or, consider that in 1996, twice as many children died in bathtub accidents than in piccolo accidents. Why is it that no one seems to be concerned with the deadly bathtub accidents that kill children every year, and instead focus only on the piccolo accidents?
Some have suggested that bathtubs shouldn't be grouped into the same category as piccolos because their main purpose is to clean people, while the purpose of a piccolo is, well, to kill or hurt people. These people claim that bathtubs are not manufactured to hurt people like piccolos are and therefore the accidents that occur as a result of their use cannot be used in the same context as piccolo accidents. Unfortunately these people are wrong: since no one is calling for regulation of bathtubs, no one should be calling for regulation of piccolos either.
The fact that more kids are killed by cars, drowning or suffocation than are killed by piccolos should sufficiently put to rest any idea that piccolos are bad. In other words, really, what are a couple hundred kids anyway? As long as bathtubs kill more children than piccolos do, we should go on letting piccolos kill children. Actually, of the 1,134 accidental piccolo deaths in 1996, most weren't even small children " only 42 were under the age of 10. Doesn't that make you feel a whole lot better? Because who really cares about people older than ten years old?
Liberals also contend that in addition to being dangerous, piccolos can't be fun either. Horse hockey. Of course piccolos are fun to fool around with. Allow me to share with you just one tiny example from my recent experiences with these wonderful piccolos:
"Holey moley!" shouted Ted, as he brought his hands away from his ears. My ears had felt it too. Damn that piccolo was powerful. I loved everything about this Smythe and Wisson .38 mm Swedish piccolo. It had a wonderful grip, it's sleek aluminum design made me want to wet myself. Its history was long -- it had been used in numerous wars to kill lots of people. Thinking about the death it had brought made me smile. When used in target practice, the .38 piccolo was sensational. I could just see small animals heads being blown off with the impressive sound of the instrument. Beautiful --reminded me of the good ol' days, when tough men would sit around on old trucks and play the piccolo at anything that moved to prove how tough they actually were. Who can hate piccolos when they are capable of bringing such joy?
