It's not everyday that you see large numbers of Dartmouth students milling around Parkhurst like so many lemmings. And it is also not everyday that you see an article in The Dartmouth written by yours truly (thank goodness too). This is because I'm really not one to broadcast my opinions publicly, but since opportunities to endorse a worthwhile cause are rare, I've decided to make an exception. It all started when I received a email titled "SPEAK OUT AT PARKHURST." Now, normally I would have trashed this email without a second thought, but as fate would have it, I had nothing better to do, and so I read on.
Needless to say I was thoroughly impressed by what I read. For those of you unfortunate enough to not have read this email, allow me to summarize its contents. The email was sent by a group of concerned Dartmouth students, promoting a plan to increase, among other things, faculty diversity, develop minority programs, increase incentives for coed houses to secede from the Coed Fraternity Sorority Counsel.
I don't think I can really convey the excitement I felt-- it was as if someone had scooped out chunks of my brain and stuffed them into a email. I was in awe of this group's courage for I would never broadcast such an opinion. I was especially happy when I found there was no mention of quality or academic standards, only fluffy talk of diversity. This group had stepped completely beyond the petty social constructs of reason and logic and was willing to say what was on their mind, simply because it was.
I was so inspired by this fearless challenge that I felt I must write this article to declare my support. Well perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself -- I should probably go over each of their ideas and explain why I was so enthralled. One of the group's first ideas was to create a more diverse Dartmouth faculty, where professors weren't hired based on accomplishments, but because of the color of their skin. I mean, see initially, I would have thought that idea was condescending and racist, not to mention likely to be detrimental to Dartmouth's academic standard, but this group was confident that despite these obvious misgivings the idea pertained some merit.
Then they talked about developing departments such as Women's Studies, Asian American Studies. However, to these departments, I would like to add what Dartmouth could really use -- an Indian Studies department. As an Indian citizen, I'm severely hurt by the fact that we don't have such a department here. It could offer such notable classes such as atomic bombs for less than a dollar, how to keep a billion people on the verge of starvation, advanced corruption and governmental inefficiency. Surely Dartmouth is spending far too much money on departments such as physics and computer science, and since I'm majoring in both I should know! Seriously, when was the last time either of these two sciences contributed anything to society? All they do is bring people face to face with their absolute lack of productive skills. Who needs objective science when we can study obscure languages spoken by a largely localized population half way across the world. What we need to do is divert funds from these worthwhile enterprises into Indian Studies, thereby compromising all of your education and money in order to satisfy my whims as a minority student.
I think the college should also create an Indian Studies house, such that the Indians on this campus can become a completely insulated group that refuse to socialize with the rest of the campus. And, while we're at it, I also want a statement by College President James Wright saying he personally thinks the brown man is clean and odorless. Because, of course, I allow my self-esteem to be controlled by President Wright and the administration's views of my race.
Furthermore, since I'm demanding justice for India, I see no reason why the other South Asian nations deserve any less. For instance, if the Pakistani students here felt slighted by our burgeoning department, we could create a Pakistani Studies Center and House (on the other side of campus, of course) where exactly the same courses are taught (this cross-listing would put the Women's Studies department to shame!).
Well I suppose I'm about done, except to say that it really made my heart leap with joy to see such vocal support for all the proposals outside Parkhurst. Despite the unlikelihood of my prophecy, it appears I was right after all, electing Bush as President really has halved the I.Q. of this country!
In the famous and immortal words of Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, "Thank you, come again."
