Bullseyeart.com is off-target

by Steve Kantor and Jason Kobilka | 5/9/00 5:00am

Usually, we review websites that are good. However, this week we'll try our hands at relentless defamation and review a website that is quite the opposite of good. It's bad. It redefines bad, and the new definition of bad is "horrible." And by "horrible" we mean "really, really horrible." Which is not good.

Bullseyeart.com is but one of the many Internet sites that exists to showcase irreverent short animation. But where sites like JoeCartoon.com and atom-films.com succeed, Bulls-eyeart.com crashes and burns. How so? It's the little differences. Like in Holland, you know what they put on french fries? Mayonnaise. But that isn't Bullseye's fault. We can hold them responsible, however, for the tripe they put on their website, which is reprehensible.

Maybe Bullseye-art.com's cartoons really are funny, in a nihilistic, post-modern sort of way. But when's the last time anyone ever said, "That was nihilistically, post-modernonically hilarious!" Yesterday? Shut up. Withholding punchlines may have worked for Monty Python, but it strikes a sour note here.

The foundation of any good cartoon is plot. This precludes Bullseyeart.com from being at all funny because none of the animations HAS a plot. Let's take a look at "Porkchops" as an example of the poor story writing.

"Porkchops" begins as two girls walk down the street tittering at some unheard joke. Not funny. Then, out of nowhere, a badly-rendered donkey walks over, using only its hind legs. "I'm a donkey! I have to go to a hot party tonight! Do you like my hot party pants?!?!" the donkey bellows. This is kind of funny, but it's all downhill from here.

The donkey rides across the screen on a tricycle while gratingly annoying squeaking noises play in the background. Not funny. He turns around, and to everyone's chagrin he has two pork chops that are somehow sticking to his torso. "Are my pork chops falling off?" the malevolent should-be quadruped blurts.

The cartoon then takes a turn for the worse (which we would have thought to be impossible). Immediately following the equine's query a bearded man complete with gaping maw filled with rounded teeth and a giant epiglottis appears, crying out, "They're not pork chops! It's monkey meat! Monkey meat!" He continues his cry of warning to anyone who might have wanted to eat the donkey's pork chops. The donkey himself joins in, and the two have a wild time yelling the hilarious phrase "monkey meat," which is wonderfully reminiscent of third grade cafeteria chatter.

And that's it. That's the whole thing. Maybe the animators thought that they could emulate "Waiting for Godot," making a cartoon in which nothing at all happens. They just forgot one thing. "Waiting for Godot" is a good play. "Porkchops" is a bad cartoon. They just forgot to make the cartoon good. I'm sure they had lots on their minds, what with monkey meat chilling in their refrigerators.

Perhaps the funniest part of the entire cartoon is the donkey's ass, which is comically deformed. Tee hee hee.

Next comes the music video. The donkey is impaled on a spit, turning over a low flame while the scary 'monkey meat' guy strums a guitar. His song makes less sense than the preceding cartoon. It consists of a monotone listing of farm animals. That's it. Just when you think they've hit bottom, Bullseyeart.com pulls out a bigger drill bit.

One of the ... less bad cartoons is "The Rhino and Nutmeg Show." The four-show series revolves around the antics of two cute-looking pooches. They tell jokes, dig up woolly mammoths, watch TV and drink out of the toilet bowl, all while failing miserably to be funny.

Perhaps the highlight of the entire series is a scene of Nutmeg licking his own rectum in public. In fact, it's so uncharacteristically humorous that the creators of the show opted to replay the scene during the credits for the pleasure of the viewer.

We could probably summarize more of the features of the site; it definitely doesn't lack content. But that would require us to actually go in-depth into more of the putrid piles of mental excrement that is Bullseyeart.com. No.

You may wonder about the purpose of a negative Internet review. You wouldn't have even known about this site if we hadn't brought it to your attention. But how about this: go to the site. Look at the cartoons. And if you like them, stay away from us.