Sometimes a news item (ok, in this case, a cheesy forward) will come along that will make us D newshound columnists sit bolt upright and say, "Damn, I haven't written a column in a long time, and I have absolutely nothing to write about! Guess this forward will do!"
Such is the case with the dual news phenomenon blitz entitled "Robin Hood was Gay, Preferred 'Merrie Men,' Professor Says / Prudes and Nudes Battle on Baltic Beaches".
Not just a BlitzMail message, this veritable tome of news information included handy Internet links to cnn.com, where the same two stories were featured, but with color cartoons. This, needless to say, upped the news experience to such levels of ecstasy that I absolutely must re-present the stories here. Plus, as mentioned, I have absolutely nothing else to write about. Thank you for asking.
In case you were wondering, this news item was brought to my attention by alert newshound Stefan '00, whose name has been changed to protect the anonymity of my sources. His real name is Steve.
Courageous Stefan, deep behind enemy lines, wanted to be sure that said forward "sees the light of day," that it isn't just quietly "swept under the carpet" as so many of the "powers that be" would like. With enemy police closing in, Stefan clicked on "compose," carefully loaded the forward into a BlitzMail message, and at this point mortally wounded and with bullets flying all around him in his dying action clicked "Apple-M," sending the information to news outlets all over the world, such as me.
Seriously though, it was just a house forward. But much less important than the history or the merit of the material in question is the fact that, once again, I still have nothing better to write about.
The first item explored in the earth-shattering forward, regarding Robin Hood, flings open the door on what is apparently Robin Hood's 800-year-old closet. As the story goes, an English literature professor at Cardiff University, Stephen Knight, studied ballads about Robin Hood dating from the 14th century. His startling (well, maybe not so startling, since I've already mentioned it about three times) conclusion: Robin Hood was gay.
As Knight notes, "The ballads could not say outright that he was gay because of the prevailing moral climate, but they do contain a great deal of erotic imagery. The green wood itself is a symbol of virility and the references to arrows, quivers and swords make it clear too."
See what I'm talking about? This is why Stefan was running from the enemy police to find a BlitzMail computer and make this information public. The enemy police were under the employ of the Walt Disney Company, which stands to lose billions in future re-releases of its classic Robin Hood cartoon now that none of the Southern Baptists are going to take their kids to see it. See my huge journalistic responsibility to bring you this information despite the fact that I have so many other important topics that are just crying for newspaper space?
The other half of this bold nay, earth-shattering forward concerns the culture clashes underway on the beaches of the former East Germany. Now that former West Germans are free to explore the Baltic beaches of the East, they have been "shocked" by the "bare it all attitude" of local sunbathers.
In one particularly startling incident, "In the eastern resort of Prerow," the article notes and remember, Stefan died to bring you this information."Outraged beachgoers threw sand at 18-year-old Elke Renger from the eastern city of Dresden while she soaked up the sun wearing only a smile. 'This is like the 18th century ... why should I cover myself up?'" Fraulein Renger asked.
Why indeed? And why should young Stefan, in the very prime of his life, have had to perish so that questions such as these reach the D readership? I think we should all observe a moment of grateful silence for all Stefan has done for each and every one of us. Especially me. There really wasn't anything else to write about.
