Maybe I'm a little crazy, but I feel terrible excitement in the air this weekend. After all, the Green Key is finally here! Upon hearing this terribly exciting news regarding the arrival of the Green Key, you are probably thinking one of the following things:
a) "What now? Is he our new mascot?"
b) "What now? Is the Green in need of being unlocked?"
c) "Oh, right. The Green Key. How terribly exciting."
Nearly any of these would be an appropriate and intelligent response. For a tortoise. But for a Dartmouth student, only number three would suffice. In fact, the term "terribly exciting" does not even begin to describe the excitement that comes along with the Green Key. Add another "terribly" in there, anywhere you like, and now we're in business.
Everyone at Dartmouth looks forward to the coming of the Green Key each spring with limitless anticipation. In fact, as soon as the Green Key festivities come to an end, Dartmouth students spend the following year - an entire 400 days - in a catatonic funk, pondering the meaninglessness of their lives without the Green Key. This usually only lasts until someone informs the Dartmouth students that a regular calendar year only contains 365 days. This saves most Dartmouth students a good 400 days of catatonic funk, because by this point they have already given up and have decided to order food.
Just what is the meaning of the Green Key, then? Good question. If you look around campus this weekend, you will probably see things that will lead you to draw incorrect conclusions regarding the nature of this highly meaningful event. The truth regarding the beginnings of the Green Key is as follows. Of course, "truth" is one of those terms I prefer to use loosely. Like when I say, "Yes, your Honor, I will tell the truth." In reality, who knows what I will tell! But I digress. There is an important history to be recounted:
Dunechka blushed; Razumikhin knitted his brows. Luzhin smiled haughtily and sarcastically.
Wait a minute ... this appears to be the beginning of page 304 of "Crime and Punishment". How did that get in there? I must have been reading from the wrong translation. Ah, yes. Here it is:
One weekend, several thousand years ago, Dartmouth's Green Key Society (I am not quite sure what this is) got together and blew off classes (I am not quite sure what these are). Boy, college must have been different back then! Anyway, the Society confined itself to a single house for an entire weekend, starting on Friday, or maybe even Thursday, if Thursday was around back then, and the Society members proceeded to get roaring blinko intoxicated. And when the Society woke up the following Wednesday, everybody knew that a tradition had been born! Especially the house's owner, who effectively summed up the prevailing mood of the entire weekend when they went downstairs, looked around at everyone sprawled across the carpet, and proclaimed, "Excuse me, but how did you all get into our house? Edna, we really ought to get that screen door fixed."
Unfortunately, such a deep and underlying meaning to this weekend's gala of events seems to have been forgotten over the years. Nowadays, most Dartmouth students see the arrival of the Green Key as nothing more than an excuse to enjoy a brief three-day respite from academic struggles, and take pride in their school, and honor those who do a lot of community service, and hold a big formal event. Come on, Dartmouth students! With revolutionary practices like these, it is no wonder that many of your fellow students, present and future, will never have any idea as to what the arrival of the Green Key actually signifies.
Perhaps we can look to the themes of past Green Key Weekends for inspiration. If we remember, the theme of this year's Winter Carnival was "Gone To The Dogs", as selected by the Committee That Selects Annually What The Carnival Has Gone To. ("Gone to the Dogs" narrowly beat out of the computer science department's suggestion, "Gone to the 10110001".) Unfortunately, however, there is no committee that selects annually what the Green Key has gone to. Or even what it has come from. There only seems to be a Committee That Selects Annually the Color of the Key, and they always seem to choose Green.
What does this year's Green Key hold? If last year was any indicator, there is a good possibility that many people will stay inside and lock their screen doors. Especially Edna. And if you don't remember Edna from three paragraphs ago, then you are clearly already drunk.
As Dostoevsky points out on page 304, "I hope that the matter is now ended and explained once and for all." Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to attend the unveiling of our new mascot. I hear that she is going to unlock the Green.
It should be terribly exciting. Terribly.
