When Liam Kuhn first approached me about writing this column, I was delighted because I thought that the SA was really messed up and I wanted to rip on it. Little did I know that Mr. Kuhn (pronounced coon -- as in "let's go hunt some coons in our back yard and then fry them up for supper after beating our wives") was merely acting on orders from the SA and that my column was merely intended -- like Case Dorkey's on Tuesday -- to offer a semblance of opposition to what Liam and Josh clearly wanted: the defense of Student Assembly.
Don't get me wrong, Liam's a nice guy and all. He works in Homeplate. He's the sullen one with the hat. It's just that he's a little misguided. But when he offered me a chance to be on the steering committee if I would write this column for him, I simply couldn't believe it. These guys are totally out of touch with student opinion. Though I've never actually read one, Liam's columns, I am told, are perpetually filled with pro-SA propoganda and misinformation. He's basically a puppet of the SA.
So, instead of going along with their sinister plan, I surrendered my spot on the steering committee to some student behind the counter in Food Court in exchange for an extra chicken tender, and now I am going to write my conscience and try to make some people in SA cry.
I mean, honestly, are you kidding me? Does being president of some stupid club mean that much to you guys that you're gonna do backdoor deals and shady arrangements? Are you preparing for real life when you're gonna be busy kissing people's asses and maneuvering for power? Are you? And then Josh Green comes out with this nonsense about how the Greek system should go. Josh, you honestly simply don't know what you're talking about. I'm not giving up my home because 20 percent of the campus and a bunch of social engineer administrators think I drink too much and have no social skills. If you're going to stereotype me, I'm gonna stereotype your ass right back. Come deal with me and my house as people and then decide whether or not you should evict us. Athena Maikish is to be commended for her quick, rational and very insightful response to the fact that apparently I promote the degradation of women. Josh, you've seen me. Do you honestly think I wear the pants in my relationship?
The answer, dear friends and enemies, is more sororities. Or more coeds. Or more something. Not replace, expand. If you make new houses from scratch that are good and offer viable social alternatives for the 20 percent of campus that feel disenfranchised, and then they are cool and better than frats, the frats will die a natural extinction due to lack of numbers, or they'll all get better in order to compete with whatever the new places are doing and the whole place will improve.
Anyway, to get back to the issue at hand, this is the second column straight where I have to get up in the face of the SA, because they keep screwing up. The student assembly represents the STUDENTS. It is time that the majority opinion found a home in the governing student organization. That it isn't there is the fault of the majority. I know that my house now has an SA rep for the first time ever who will be representing our interests. Many other houses are doing the same. We have a Greek Student Assembly president. That's progress baby! While Kuhn may try to wow you with fancy, technical words like "iMac" and "computer," I bring results. Don't be fooled by his gregarious overtures. He's a pawn.
Now, some say I'm only pissed off because certain influential powers are trying to take away the Greek system. Some say I have a skewed outlook on this whole issue because I make this into an "us and them" issue. I disagree. Last time a Student Assembly member came to my house, I definitely only made him chug three beers to get in like everyone else. Sure, I projectile vomited on Josh Green later in the night after peeing in my pants and burning stolen property while ogling women, but those are the chances you take. In all honesty, I don't see why they don't get it. We get it, but they don't. Must be because they're different and have no place at Dartmouth, I guess. I mean, the Student Assembly and I have had our differences, but I'll boot on them as easily as the next man. It seems rather that they are the ones who don't want to be a part of the fun.
A quick little story: a couple weeks ago, I was breaking into a car between Mass Row and Hitchcock, and Josh Green and Case Dorkey walk by. And do you believe they honestly didn't want to drive with me? They said something about how I was too drunk or something, I was so blacked out I don't remember. And then they got all mad when they found out is wasn't my car. Like the guy whose car it was really needed it at the time. Who's driving around at six in the evening anyway?
Remember, double dealing and philandering do not a respectable campus leadership make. Down with SA. Up with the USA. I move for a return to traditional antiquated backwards traditions like apple pie, white picket fences, and honest presidential candidates like Gary Hart and Richard Nixon.
