Now hear this: I hereby command spring term to be fun. Some of you out there may say, "Oh, well look who thinks he can tell me what to do." To that I say go to hell. We are going to have fun this term and you're either with us or against us. Here is a brief overview of why we need to have fun this term.
First of all, the winter sucked. It was cold. It freezing rained all the time. It was dark. Winter Carnival, which normally is the saving grace of the winter was a total bust, thanks to you know who announcing you know what is not good for Dartmouth. Not only that, but it seemed like the entire world took an off term this winter. I have never felt so alone. There were something like 100 '00s on last term. There were no really fun parties. The Broncos beat the Falcons. Michael Jordan retired. And for God's sake, even the Mormons got in trouble this winter. Impeachment was a total waste of time. There were very few good movies. In general, it just seemed like nobody was having fun this winter.
Secondly, though the suckiness of the winter is in itself a good reason to try to have fun this term, we must also take into account that this may be our last chance to have fun ever in the unique Dartmouthian way, lest the old traditions fail over the summer when nobody is around to notice. The way I see it, we have this one term. After the spring everything will change. Whether you're in support of change or against it is irrelevant. You simply have to admit that you are obliged to have as much fun as you can this term, because you don't want to say you missed your chance when it's gone.
Thirdly, we need to have fun this term because we owe it to ourselves. How many more springs will we have when we're not stuck in an office staring out a window at more office buildings wondering how we're going to pay off the mortgage and still buy our children the beanie babies they want when the mortgage is less than the beanie baby? Those of you who get out of class and go directly or the library or career services will regret it later. Trust me. I was stuck in an office building this past winter, and believe me when I say that college lifestyles and office lifestyles do not coexist peacefully. If you're planning on ever having fun in your life, start now, this spring, because after college, fuhgettaboudit.
Now, here are the reasons we will have fun this spring:
1) Everybody looks better in the spring. While I will not be the one running around on the green baring my rippling muscles, I acknowledge that it must be done, though not by myself, Curran, Jay Porter, and a few select others who know who they are. Girls and guys look tanner, and they wear nicer clothes. It's basically a recipe for conjugal meetings, and what's best is it doesn't have to happen in basements. It can happen on porches and balconies and other such places.
2) Star Wars. Even if you don't like it or are uninterested, you will be unable to resist the massive tide of men flowing to West Leb to see it. It will be a juggernaut. Expect people to camp out for tickets perhaps days in advance.
3) Golf and softball. Join an IM softball team and play golf at the country club. It puts everything in better perspective.
4) Green Key. After the dismal Carnival, the only highlight of which was a certain dog from Bones Gate who was named queen and finally recognized for her regal bloodlines, Green Key will be sweet. It's the best big weekend. There will be outdoor parties and lots of fun for all.
5) Greek Week. It will be fun to compete and/or watch all the events. Everyone should buy a T-shirt too.
6) All the '00s are back. Welcome back '00s. This is our last term before we become grand old seniors. Last chance to have fun. See people whose names you've forgotten and whatever.
7) Pro-wrestling.
8) And lastly, Josh Green will be putting out hits on various administrators and will be drunk in the corner as soon as he's not president anymore. And then after that he's gonna tell the Student Assembly where it can shove it's precious little resolutions. He told me so.
So, blow off all your classes, lie around in the sun, and be happy. I command you.
True, I have no powers of influence over you. True, I won't be able to help you with your classes when you slack off too much. And true, I can't claim that this will be in keeping with Dartmouth's intellectual goals, but that's the beauty of the whole thing. We can make outlandish claims and encourage total irresponsibility with no repercussions because we are in fact at the age of being old enough to know better, yet not caring. To fail to do so would be very immature of us.
