To the Editor:
On Monday, after I went to my Hinman Box and opened my letter from the Office of Residential Life, I realized one undeniable truth: I am screwed. Not "I'm not living in Mid Mass next year" screwed, more like "I'll be living in a cardboard box on Main Street" screwed. After comparing numbers with my future roommates, I came to the conclusion that life sucks.
But, who has put me in this awful predicament of either living off-campus or living in the River Cluster (read: off-campus)? It is none other than my archnemesis, the random number generator. The random number generator and I go way back. It is the generator that placed me in a double in North Fayer that is smaller than the shower stalls in the dorm.
Let me take a moment to examine the random number generator. Does the generator have to walk from the River to Thayer to get food? No. Does the generator have to walk the mile or so to the gym from the River? No. Does the generator understand my feelings? No.
Don't get me wrong, I like the River Cluster just as much as the next guy. It's just that if I wanted to live in Vermont, I would have gone to UVM. Of course, the random number generator doesn't understand because it spends its whole life pointlessly spitting out completely random numbers that either lead to pure ecstasy or absolute disappointment.
So, what can we do in place of the outdated random number generator? We could have a campus-wide rocks-paper-scissors tournament. Not only would it be a fun way to spend a Saturday night, but it would also get us into the Guinness Book of World Records under the heading "Stupidest action by college students without being under the influence of controlled substances." Furthermore, it would rely on skill rather than the luck involved with the random number generator.
Or better yet, we could have a Royal Rumble, WWF style. Every minute, a new Dartmouth student is thrown into the ring in an every man for himself competition. We could sell tickets and give the money to charity, or better yet, use the money to transplant the River Cluster within the friendly confines of New Hampshire. On second thought, no Royal Rumble, because I would probably just end up with a lower housing number.
The college definitely needs to build more housing, and they need to build it fast (I'd prefer if they had it done by next Fall). For having such a large endowment, there should definitely be enough money for me to be housed on campus. In conclusion, Save Ferris! Save the Greeks! Save Andrew From Being Forced to Live in A Cardboard Box on Main Street!
