Well, orientation is over, and I trust you '02s feel properly oriented. To provide further guidance for your successful transition into life in the Dartmouth community, I will proceed to answer your questions about life, the universe, Dartmouth and everything. Well, maybe not your questions in particular, but at least the ones that the imaginary freshmen who live in my head ask me.
- What can we do to make ourselves more beloved to the upperclassmen?
You need to be less annoying. Well, at least those of you who live in my dorm. You seem to have this problem, Hitchcock-dwelling '02s, where you are trapped in a perpetual game of Above-Water Marco Polo, wherein the other 'shmen cannot find you if you are not constantly making lots of random noise. The helpful advice here is that this needs to stop before midterms roll around, or I will take out my baseball bat and start cracking heads.
- What do I do when I get sick?
Take all that Tylenol Cold crap your mom made you bring and consult any premeds in your hall if symptoms worsen. Above all, do not go to Dick's House. While Dick's House excels at the diagnosis of mono and operates the premier Drunk Person Overnight Rehabilitation Clinic in the United States, do not go there with anything more exotic. One of my friends went in last year with a sprained ankle, and claims she got into a serious argument with whomever was treating her wherein the medical person tried to explain that her sprained ankle probably meant she had mono.
- I didn't do much laundry in high school; do you have any pointers?
Absolutely. The trick to college laundry is to do it as infrequently as possible, and when it does become absolutely necessary to wash stuff, you want to do the most foul and hideous things possible to other people's clothes at the same time. For a while last year in Hinman, the laundry room floor had a pair of jeans smeared with Crisco or something similarly white and gruesome as an extra feature provided at no charge to us. Right on top of these jeans was where my newly clean clothes ended up once when I committed the grievous offense of being three minutes late when the dryer stopped. I guess other good laundry advice is not to be three minutes late.
- Is it OK if I call EBA's and order nothing more than a cup of ranch?
Apparently it is, because last year I saw this poor EBA's guy bringing someone just that. I asked him if they had forgotten it as part of an earlier delivery, and he said no, someone had felt the need to order just a cup of ranch. Also, the EBA's guy said he did not in fact plan on beating whoever opened the door.
- Are you particularly impressed that my cute little iMac can play the expletives from South Park Snood at like ninety decibels throughout third floor Hitchcock?
No, I'm really not.
- Help, I live in the River!
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Actually, as I mentioned, I lived there last year, and it is not too bad. Although, interestingly enough, professors around here do not seem to accept that you live closer to Vermont than to their class as a valid excuse when you are late getting work in -- in case anyone was wondering.
- Should I turn down my music right this very instant if I am living down the hall from you?
Yes, you should. The baseball bat is coming out in about another five seconds.
