Well, I for one am glad we will all soon be safe from the dangers of the Streeter phantom masturbator. Following the recent decision by Student Assembly (motto: "Deciding everything important in your life, or at least whether the Hop will have two or three blitz computers."), it looks as if all of the residence hall doors will be locked in the near future.
Pardon me if I am not thrilled about this. First of all, I really do not see any necessity for locking the doors. This current debate, it seems to me, is driven by very little in the way of statistically demonstrated dangers to the Dartmouth community. Every time a reason is given for locking the doors, it always reverts back to that nemesis of Dartmouth, the Streeter phantom masturbator. Most of the arguments run somewhat like this, regardless of which of the powers that be is doing the speaking:
"Well, it's a dangerous world out there. I mean, Hanover has a pretty tough demographic, what with the professors' families, Dartmouth alums and employees of the College, but ... well, what if another guy felt like beating it in the Streeter women's bathroom?"
As tasteful an incident as that was, I really do not think that one rather disgusting individual constitutes a crime epidemic. It bothers me that the responsible behavior of some 4,600 people is negated by one person not carrying out bodily functions in a somewhat more appropriate location. Do you hear me, phantom masturbator? Every time I have to take out my key to open the stupid door next year, it will be all your fault! A plague on both your ... well, never mind.
Even if this new plan were capable of ending any incidental crime in Dartmouth residence halls, I would not approve of it, since I hate to see the entire community inconvenienced by a very few irresponsible people. Realistically, though, there is no way that this unholy alliance of Office of Residence Life (motto: "Keeping Dartmouth residence halls masturbator-free since 1769.") and the Assembly (motto: "In charge of all the important things at Dartmouth. Just look how little we decided to raise your tuition for next year!") will reduce the likelihood that serious crimes will occur in the dorms.
That, of course, is because we are all stupid. Every big weekend you know what happens. People prop open the outside doors so that they will not have to continuously let in locked-out visitors. When we manually open the doors, we are not exactly discriminating about whom we allow to enter ("What, dude? You're looking for someone to ritualistically eviscerate to celebrate Halloween? Well, come in, but keep it down, or some loser will call Safety and Security with a noise complaint.") There may be phones and Dartmouth directories outside the dorms under the new system, but trust me, we will still open the doors for people who want to come in, if for no better reason than to stop them from knocking on our windows.
Even assuming that by some miracle the new system keeps out all the people who are not allowed to be in the dorms, what about the undergraduate population with keys that open all the exterior doors? The majority of my friends do not bother to lock their room doors, so anyone with an ORL key will be able to get into tons of private rooms just by opening the front door. And really, who do you think poses you, as a dorm resident, the greater danger -- one of those kindly Tollbooth Willie New Hampshire guys you meet around town, or some psycho premed who just bombed an orgo midterm? I quite frankly would rather take my chances with Willie, and yet to whom are we going to give the keys to all the front doors?
And don't forget about all those dangerous people who live right in your dorm! Admit it, you wouldn't want to run into some of them in a dark alley. If you're about to commit a crime, it's late at night, and you're tired, I would think it would work kind of like redneck hookups: why go down the street when you can go down the hall?
In order to account for all these additional dangers ORL and the Assembly so foolhardily ignored, I would like to offer a new proposal to increase residence hall safety: lock us all in very small boxes. We could be released to attend class, eat and go to the library, but aside from that, we would remain in our little cages at all times. I feel this plan is a definite improvement: while more fully addressing all safety concerns, it also manages to incorporate all of the stupidity and annoyance factor of the current plan. Also, presumably it would end the reign of terror of the Streeter phantom masturbator.
