E says: Cranking out article after article to meet deadlines can be pretty tough, especially on those days when good ideas are as hard to squeeze out as that last bit of toothpaste at the bottom of the tube. So, in order to keep things interesting and fresh, I have decided to collaborate on today's column with a sidekick. His name is DP, and rumor has it that he has one of the most creative minds in the field of journalism. Isn't that right, DP?
DP says: I guess so.
E says: Brilliant insight, DP. No wonder why this format seems to have worked so well for others in the past.
DP says: That's debatable, E.
E says: Well I'm not really up for much of a debate tonight, DP. Wouldn't you rather talk about relationships?
DP says: No.
E says: Do you want to order some breadsticks?
DP says: Not really.
E says: Well then, I guess I'll just have to fire random questions at you in the hopes that one of us will arrive at some seemingly evident truth about life.
DP says: You may as well, E. I don't have anything better to do since most of the College's facilities are being used by high school students in sports camps.
E says: That may be true, DP, but look at the bright side. A lot of those young girls are very attractive, if you like that sort of thing. It's every guy's dream -- a seemingly endless stream of youthful, agile, physically fit blondes. Don't you agree?
DP says: There's no way I'd ever hit on even one of them.
E says: Why is that, DP? Because they are here for the sole purpose of athletics, and you don't want to distract them? Or perhaps because they are all underage, and you are surprisingly showing some trace of proper morality?
DP says: No, mainly because most of them carry large sticks with them wherever they go.
E says: That too.
DP says: Besides, E, I am not looking for a relationship of any kind. Women are too much trouble. I don't want any part of them.
E says: What about your aspiring career as an adult movie star?
DP says: I've outgrown that. It was just a phase I went through in junior high school. I look at it this way: if you're a porn star, and you're out on a date, I bet kissing is like the top thing that you can do.
E says: Sort of takes the mystery out of it.
DP says: Sure does, E.
E says: Shifting gears a bit, DP, Tubestock was this past weekend. Did you enjoy yourself?
DP says: The water was freezing! I almost caught a number of freezing-water-related diseases.
E says: So you went down to the river with the rest of the '99 class and assorted others?
DP says: Are you kidding, E? It was way too cold outside for that. I just got drunk and took my innertube into the shower. Unfortunately, there hasn't been any hot water for days. ORL says that they're working on fixing it, but I suspect they've fed my complaint to a goat.
E says: Probably the exact same goat who decides housing assignments every term.
DP says: Probably, E.
E says: DP, do you agree with the assessment of most single females on campus that there is a lack of quality guys at Dartmouth?
DP says: Not at all. In fact, I see two right here.
E says: Um, do you have multiple personality disorder, DP?
DP says: That's what the nurses at Dick's House tell me, E.
E says: So you finally went in for a psychiatric evaluation?
DP says: Not exactly. The strange part is that I was only there visiting a friend.
E says: You think that's strange, DP? I know someone who went to Dick's House because she had a cold, and they gave her a pregnancy test.
DP says: What was the result, E?
E says: Eighteen months for malpractice.
DP says: And I thought that $500 per night was a bit extreme.
E says: By the way, DP, do you think that C and P are going to resent this satirization of their journalistic style?
DP says: You know what they say, E -- imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
E says: If that were true, then plagiarism would actually be encouraged.
DP says: It should be. Did you know that a student can be suspended longer for omitting a few footnotes than for committing a violent crime?
E says: In that case, I won't write that paper I have due for tomorrow. Instead I'll just hold up Foodstop.
DP says: Sounds like a plan, E.
E says: Thanks. Speaking of food, DP, do you want those breadsticks after all?
DP says: Now that you mention it... forget it. It's 2:01.
