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The Dartmouth
June 21, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Cinderella Story

This crowd has gone deadly silent. Cinderella story out of nowhere, a former greenskeeper now about to become ... picked up by the Hanover police. I'm sure anyone out there who's familiar with the movie Caddyshack will understand the reference. Well, as my friend Errik was reenacting this scene on a few flowers in downtown Hanover, a patrol officer was observing his swing from across the street. Since we still had our enviromugs from the afternoon, I was given the pleasure of joining Errik in the back of the squad car.

Indeed my first Green Key was quite an adventure, so you'll forgive my narcissism if I take a moment to share a few incidents. I suppose the day really picked up when one of my friends passed out at five o'clock on a fraternity lawn. He was able to get up, but after the third time passing out, and once relieving himself in front of several hundred people, he decided to check-out for the night in a dorm laundry room. By the grace of God alone, another friend and I were able to get him a few feet out the front door, whereupon Safety and Security rolled around the corner.

I have never seen a corpse straighten up quicker in my life. What had moments ago been a limp body hanging between our shoulders was suddenly walking straight as an arrow. It must have been an act of sheer will alone, because when S&S questioned him about his consumption, he was speaking as if his tongue had tripled in size. Apparently noticing his own difficulty speaking, he quickly attributed this to a cold, and volunteered me to sign for him. The officer was kind enough to help us escort him home, where his roommate (who would later bail Errik and I out) agreed to take charge of him. The Papa, as we refer to him, then proceeded to sleep for a solid twenty-two hours.

Following this little adventure, we sat about the dorm for a bit, went out and returned various times, until Errik, eyeing the Papa's golf bag suggested that we head out golfing at the country club. Papa's visiting friend was only too eager to go, and in the light of his unusual enthusiasm, I was persuaded. Well, we made it to Occom pond, where we decided to knock a few balls into the water. Unfortunately, on Errik's first swing, he also lost the club, hurling it several yards into the grass. More optimistic with the seven iron than the now-missing five, he proceeded to have a few good practice shots before we headed out, resolving all the while to return in the morning for the missing five.

Papa's friend ducked out at this point, which seems to have been all for the best, or else we wouldn't have been able to call anyone to bail us out of jail. Errik and I headed out to the dance floor at various fraternities. Around three, with golf clubs and enviromugs in hand, we headed for a bite at Foodstop. After our appetites were sated, we started to return to campus, which brings us back to where we began, chopping a few flowers. We were in no way drunk, mind you, and Errik did not in fact break a pot, as many people have thought, but he did have a nice swing. Despite this practice, his game probably will suffer from the two missing clubs, one by Occom, and one in evidence.

So, after readjusting our cuffs a few times, we were comfortably headed for the Hanover police station. The officers were very courteous, a little self-righteous, but I suppose that's to be expected when you deal with hardened criminals on a regular basis. At the station we got the whole treatment, fingerprints, booking, mugshots, which I was disappointed we didn't get a copy of, as well as a phonecall to our friend to bail us out. Then we sat and waited while our friends wandered all over town.

The aftermath was even more impressive than the actual arrest. Front page of The Dartmouth, and numerous references to handicaps and such met us the next day. Our Cinderella story has been the source of many jokes, and though it has been kind of fun telling everyone that I was arrested, it's not an experience I would recommend. I'm sure there are better ways to spend Green Key than sitting in the Hanover police station until six in the morning.