The following are excerpts from an interview I conducted this weekend with one of Dartmouth's most famous alums, Tiresias '94.
ME: Tiresias, it's good to see you -- what have you been up to since you were graduated from Dartmouth?
TIRESIAS: Oh, this and that, you know, prophesying and what have you.
ME: Lovely, just lovely. What do you think has changed about Dartmouth since you were an undergrad?
TIRESIAS: I'll tell you, this place is going to Hades in a handbasket. Why, in my day you could go out on a Tuesday night and 16frats would have tapped kegs, and you'd get roaringly drunk, smoke seven or eight spliffs, then get up for your 9 the next day and ace your Orgo exam.
ME: Aren't you exaggerating just a tad?
TIRESIAS: Exaggerating? You don't know the half of it. In my day we drank until we were comatose, and we still showed up to drill on time!
ME: Do you think the social life was more thriving back then?
TIRESIAS: You're darn tootin'. One time I was so drunk I forgot my name. I woke up covered in purple paint in the backseat of Chevy Blazer somewhere near Putney. That was a great Winter Carnival.
ME: I see ... moving right along, then. Did you do any corporate recruiting during your senior year?
TIRESIAS: Are you kidding? I got 74 offers from 74 different firms. Starting salary 600 K, plus a $10 million signing bonus. Don't forget, I was Phi Beta Kappa with a 4.1 GPA.
ME: Indeed. Did you ever consider going into academia?
TIRESIAS: Fiddlesticks! I never had much respect for the Academy. Too much posterior osculation, if you get my drift. Though I was an exceptional philosophy student -- I once proved conclusively that I didn't exist.
ME: Really? And how did that work?
TIRESIAS: Oh, you know, simple epistemological ontology, with just a sprinkling of semantics. Haven't you ever read any Heidegger?
ME: Uh, no.
TIRESIAS: Well, me neither, but the point remains.
ME: Of course. Tiresias, it is well known that you have lived as both a man and a woman. Did this double-gendered experience give you any special insight into male-female relations on campus?
TIRESIAS: I once brought a sexual harassment suit against myself. But I'll tell you something -- when I was a woman I never went inside a fraternity. Drunk men are dangerous -- they should all be spayed.
ME: But since you'd also been a drunk man, didn't you have some sympathy?
TIRESIAS: Who am I, Carl Jung? A man is no better than a dog, except he won't fetch you your slippers. I should know, I've tried.
ME: Quite so. Now, what are your feelings toward the current administration?
TIRESIAS: Bureaucrats with office space! Do you have any idea what President Freedman's salary is? He's not researching the AIDS cure with that money. And those deans -- their greatest aspiration in life is to find a way to delegate every single responsibility they have to someone else. They just like to come up with new committees to do research for a year on a topic nobody cares about so when it's finished they can say, "See? We care about student concerns." I mean, it's a college, for crying out loud, not a Kafka novel, you know what I mean?
ME: Excuse me for saying so, Tiresias, but you seem awfully bitter and belligerent. Aren't you grateful for your unique and rewarding Dartmouth experience?
TIRESIAS: Is this an interview or a promotional video? I got through Dartmouth by relying on one person and one person only: me. That's all anybody at this school cares about.
ME: But what about all the students involved in charitable causes?
TIRESIAS: I hadn't thought of that. But I'm sure if you give me a minute I can find a reason to dislike them.
ME: It doesn't seem like you're being very fair.
TIRESIAS: I suppose so... I'm sorry, I guess I got a little out of hand there. Forget what I said. The Hood Museum is great, and I really love the Chicken Cordon Bleu.
ME: Well that's something, at least. Any thoughts on the distributive requirements that were put in place for the Class of '98?
TIRESIAS: Yeah, I'm glad I'm a '94.
ME: I'm sure most of the people reading this interview would agree with that. How about some final words of inspiration?
TIRESIAS: Get bent.
ME: Thank you very much.
TIRESIAS: Thank you!
