Down at the smallest, tiniest, most infinitesimally diminutive level of existence, way down past the flies and the crumbs, past the amoeba and the blue-green algae, past the cell and the molecule, past, even, the beloved endoplasmic reticulum, there dwell the mighty elementary particles.
Yes, the elementary particles, whisking little dandies with some charge or other and nothing better to do than enhance the ever increasing sketch factor of quantum physics.
The electron, for example. Oh, what a wicked bugger is it. Much like the Alpha Delta brother downing Bud at the Panarchy All-Vegan Socialist Barbecue, electrons are self-conscious. If some poor beleaguered physicist is trying to measure where the electron is, he can't measure how fast it's going; the reverse is also painfully true.
Yes, human observation affects the outcome of events at the quantum level, and ever since those evil, evil physicists came to that conclusion, the world has descended into chaos.
"Well, of course it has!" replies the overanxious physics twerp. "Second law of thermodynamics! Nature favors increasing entropy!"
Good for nature. How is the rest of the world supposed to run a society that way? You can break an egg into an omelette in a dozen different ways, but seldom, if ever, will the omelette become an egg, so the bloody arrow of time must always be moving forward. How very clever.
Tell me this, Mr. Physics, if you'd be so kind: how did this entropy-mired universe come into existence? Hmmm?
"The Big Bang, of course," the spineless, wretched physics snot asserts. "The history of the universe is somewhat analogous to that of a black hole. At the time of the Big Bang the universe was a singularity."
A singularity, by the way, is one of those concepts physicists like to invent which no decent person could possibly ever grasp mentally. If you have a singularity, one point in space and nothing else, then mathematics and physics collapse like a bad game of Jenga. What math would one use to describe just one point? Math describes relationships -- what does one point relate to?
Yes, physicists are even so cavalier as to predict the breakdown of physics itself. Well, isn't that so swank and postmodern.
Nature favors increasing entropy. No kidding. Look at chaos theory. It turns out that, among other problems, weatherpeople, those lionized meteorologists, can't make a useful five-day forecast. Too many factors, butterflies doing the Lambada in China and whatnot ... you know how it is.
Yes, chaos theory, science's latest excuse for not being able to figure everything out. The Enlightenment looks like one big joke now. Remember when science promised to explain the universe? Ha. They can't even predict the weather. Makes me want to whip out my Nostradamus and start from scratch again.
Chaos theory has its moments, though. I think it provides at least an adequate account of why my Women's Studies class never stays on one topic for more than a few minutes, except when we discuss Madonna -- there are just too many factors at play.
Still, I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that chaos theory is a cop-out.
"Not at all!" cries the agonizingly awful physics monstrosity. "Think about fractals!"
I'd rather not.
It seems to me that physics, and science in general, still have a lot of explaining left to do. Antimatter, for instance. Apparently there are anti-particles and -- I don't know -- pro-particles coming into existence all the time everywhere and smashing each other right back out of existence before anyone has a chance to care. Antimatter. I wonder what that would look like ...
Oh, wait a minute, it would look like nothing, because it's completely insane, just like the rest of physics!
Sorry about that. Didn't mean to get so heated up like that, increasing my entropy like some fool. I guess that like most people I'm frustrated by those questions we can't answer, and I'm secretly in awe of the bold physicists who sally forth to discover those very answers. Right now the physics community seems very excited about dark matter, for instance.
"You bet we are! Dark matter is going to explain everything. We'll finally have our Grand Unification Theory, and then life will be complete! The world will live as one under one big GUT!"
It's a beautiful thought, Mr. Physics. You certainly do know how to make us smile.
