Sleeping through classes. We've all done it at some time in our lives, and it's not a crime, so long as it's kept to a minimum. The key word here is "minimum," however. Disturb your sleep schedule too much, stay up late studying or talking or doing who-knows-what too often, and you might just forget whether your 7:45 a.m. drill is on the second or third floor of Dartmouth Hall.
In over three-and-a-half years of my Dartmouth experience, I have missed far too many early morning classes. It's terrible, it's wrong, it's sinful, I know all this. Yet I still find myself awakening with a start at 10:30, wondering once again how I managed to turn off my alarm clock in my sleep. I've even tried putting the alarm across the room, ostensibly so that I'll have to get out of bed to go turn it off, thereby waking myself up. It's really amazing how a human being can adapt to challenging circumstances -- now I sleep-walk out of bed, flick off the alarm, and tumble back under the covers before consciousness has a chance to take hold.
I would like to say right now that this column will not be an attempt at self-justification, a petulant supplication for mercy because I still haven't figured out an effective way to wake myself up early in the morning. Rather, think of it as a sort of confession, a sincerely penitent apology to all my professors whom I've inadvertently blown off from time to time.
I always develop the strangest relationship with those early morning professors. We look at each other, we both know I've missed a class here and there (and there and there and there as well); the best I can do is summon this half-embarrassed, half-guilty expression to my face, something to the effect of, "Gosh, I guess I slept through your class again, but I'm absolutely kicking myself about it, flogging myself with a wet noodle, so please don't hate me, oh Big Wonderful Professor Person, please?" This doesn't engender massive feelings of respect toward me, I've noticed.
My problem, I think, is a lack of good excuses -- that and sleeping through their class too often. I know this one student who manages to get bronchitis each term like clockwork. Is that creative genius or just utter cynicism?
But what exactly would I say to my professor? "Well, I was up all night, just kind of thinking about things, worrying about things, and I finally conked out around six in the morning, slept through my alarm, because basically I'm this mess of weird neurotic laziness, a complete freak, really, but can I get an A anyway?"
Some people, of course, are smart enough, or responsible enough, or something enough, not to miss class at all -- what a novel idea! Imagine paying thousands of dollars in tuition every term and actually getting your money's worth. These people know what yesterday's lecture was about, have copious notes on the topic, understand when everything's due. To me they seem like academic gurus, prodigies, Renaissance students in the mold of Leonardo Da Vinci, only with more hair. Of course, there's really nothing special about them -- they're just doing what's expected of all of us, and to them, I suppose, if I seem like anything, it's that contemptible slacker student, Ethan Hawke in a Big Green sweatshirt.
Early morning professors of mine, I hereby apologize to you from the depths of my soul. I know you're decent people, concerned for your students, interested in your subject matter, only peripherally obsessed with getting your articles published in academic journals (sorry, but I just had to get that in there.) You deserve better than I and others like me have given you. I will try my utmost to give you the consistent attendance your class merits.
Actually, I could always become a Studio Art major. Every class in that department is a 10A or a 2A. The fact that I have no artistic ability whatsoever might be a bit of an obstacle, though. Still, lying in bed at night, my cold, angry alarm clock glaring at me, the rationalization begins anew: I could be an abstract artist, a minimalist -- I could do collages of stubbed-out cigarette butts. Anything not to have to get up early. I hear the Film Studies department has some great 3A's next term ...
But all of that thinking is so very, very wrong.
