Washington D.C. -- In another stunning foreign policy setback for the Clinton administration, U.S. Marines today failed in their attempt to land on the Atlantic Ocean island nation of Guinier. The 4,000 troops are part of a United Nations peacekeeping mission designed to enforce the traffic laws of the speeding-plagued country.
The Marines were supposed to disembark on Guinier's north beach and make their way towards the capital Lani to begin patrolling the island's highways. The United States had been assured by Guinier's President Kimba that the populace, disgusted by unruly driving, was enthusiastically supportive of the Marines' mission. However as events unfolded, this did not appear to be so.
A crowd of 40 protestors gathered on Guinier's north shore this morning to block the Marines' landing. Armed with Super Soaker water guns, slingshots and chopsticks, the mob shouted "Go home, Yankee imperialists" as the Marines waited offshore on the U.S.S. New Jersey.
The demonstrators opposed U.S. intervention for a variety of reasons. Many young men were motivated by a desire to continue driving above the speed limit. Others were worried that the U.S. would colonize Guinier and subject island residents to the Clinton tax plan. And a few elderly women used the forum to register their discontent over the impending divorce of Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson.
The U.S. troops were surprised by the resistance to their presence, and their commanders immediately decided to abort the scheduled landing. Pointing the finger of blame at senior Pentagon officials including Secretary of Defense Les Aspin, Colonel Tom Whalen complained, "We had no guns to defend ourselves, just whistles and signs to direct traffic."
Aspin denied responsibility for the fiasco. "The leaders of Guinier lied to us," Aspin said. "They promised us a safe environment for the Marines. Why take guns along if it isn't necessary?"
Anonymous White House staffers grumbled that the administration's foreign policy team was giving new meaning to the word incompetence. One senior official said, "Somalia, Haiti and now Guinier. When will Christopher and Aspin get their act together?"
President Clinton was unavailable for comment this evening but released a statement condemning Guinier's protestors. "The international community must not stand idly by as a mob of hooligans thwarts the will of the United Nations," Clinton wrote. "Make no mistake, one way or another we will ensure that Guinier's motorists drive 55."
Secretary of State Warren Christopher outlined possible American responses to the day's events. He mentioned the administration was most seriously considering placing an auto parts embargo on Guinier. "We must say in no uncertain terms that Guinier's leaders must guarantee the Marines' safety or else suffer the consequences. The message is clear. Don't mess with the United States."
While the administration's talking tough in public, it is quietly trying to find a quick and peaceful way out of the standoff. Overtures are being sent through diplomatic backchannels, an anonymous intelligence official reported, to Zo' Elders, head of the Elders family, that the United States is open to compromise.
Elders family members comprised at least eight of the 40 protestors on the beach and Zo' Elders, a 65-year-old grandmother of 15, is known in Guinier as a notoriously fast driver and a huge Burt Reynolds fan. This official said that the United States would not object to Elders leading the Automobile Association of Guinier after the Marines completed their mission.
President Clinton may also dispatch Hillary Rodham Clinton to work on reconciling Burt and Loni if Zo' indicates that such a move would help ease the crisis.
Many on Capitol Hill, meanwhile, were sharply critical of Clinton's Guinier policy. Republican Senator Bob Dole commented, "First Aidid, then Cedras, now Zo' Elders. Soon, Barney the dinosaur will be able to push around the United States."
As night fell in Guinier, the Marines were still waiting offshore on the U.S.S. New Jersey, and the crowd of demonstrators on the beach had swelled to 60. Taking full advantage of their moment on the world stage, the mob joined hands in '60s protest songs and swapped driving stories. Of their adversary, one said, "Given his past, Clinton should understand. All we are saying is give peace a chance."