You are cordially invitedTo Party Like it's 2013
Guests: Naturally this shindig boasts a few notable guests. You may just find yourself chewing the bit with Keggy the Keg or Dr. Seuss' ghost. Robert Frost's ashes might even stop by if they aren't too busy being ceremoniously scattered to the wind by enthusiastic trippees. Weather permitting, other notable alumni like Mindy Kaling '01 and Rachel Dratch '88 may fly in to serve as the party's emcees. Though flocks of elderly alumni will be roaming the campus, our bouncers will be sure to keep their Dartmouth-loving keisters out of the party.
Attire: If physically possible, please come dressed in every piece of flair you own. Neon tights, tacky Christmas sweaters and '80s prom dresses will all be welcomed with open arms. In addition, I ask that you sport an obnoxiously large puffer jacket so that we may burn it for warmth in the event of a power outage. Gas masks are complimentary and will be provided upon entrance.Menu: It's the last day of your life. Why not do as the Romans do and carpe twinkie? All varieties of Hostess and Little Debbie will be served along with a generous helpings of Doritos, Bugles, Lunchables and anything else you were denied as a child. Should you wish to bring an edible hostess gift, I will accept FoCo cookies and the remnants of your last care package. As for libations, the bomb-ridden sky's the limit. Mix yourself some apocalypse-themed drinks such as Jaeger bombs and kamikazes or grab some Keystone if you're feeling sentimental. Planning on being sober for the last few hours of your life? Fear not! There will be plenty of Trumoo to go around.
Playlist: Guests should come prepared to shake their hips to the sweet sounds of like "It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" by R.E.M., "Till the World Ends" by Britney Spears and "Party Like It's 2012" by Jay Sean. After these, the song "Blame it on the Boogie" will play on repeat for the next few hours as a reminder of who's actually at fault for the apocalypse. Finally, all of the school's a cappella groups will come together to take part in a Glee-esque mash-up contest only to discover they have a lot more in common than they could have ever dreamed. Bonding will ensue.
The Evening's Events: We will begin the evening by setting the Choates aflame and running around the cluster 117 times in memory of those poor '17s who never got to walk these hallowed halls. Feel free to relive your own Homecoming experience at this time. Those majoring in geography or environmental studies will then sally forth to find the perfect pine tree a lone one, of course so that we may join hands around it and sing the song from "The Grinch." We'll realize that even though the apocalypse comes without presents or tags, packages, boxes or bags, maybe the apocalypse doesn't come from a store. Maybe the apocalypse means a little bit more. As we suddenly appreciate the education our parents and student loans helped to provide, we will begin to sing the alma mater. The world will end just as we sing "the granite of New Hampshire is made part of us 'til death." And because of the earth shattering explosions, the granite of New Hampshire really will remain part of us 'til death.
