I'm about to give my last few tours of this campus which means that there are precious few opportunities for someone to fulfill my dream and pull off the next Drinking-Time-level prank with my tour group as the unsuspecting audience (June 2nd, 11:15 a.m.
So today I experienced a perfect succession of blitzes in my inbox. The first was from my mother, informing me that she wanted to send some of my columns TO MY GRANDMA and inquiring if this week's installment would be "appropriate" to include in the collection.
In my four years of terrifying prospective students while giving tours, I've developed a large library of "cute Dartmouth anecdotes," most of which have absolutely no basis in reality.
So I was just on Wikipedia clicking through random articles and accidentally spending two hours reading about bizarre UFO conspiracy theories doing research for this column, because when I first sat down to write this I discovered that apparently I'm a mildly disgruntled person who didn't have anything to say about happiness.
Okay, so I'm about to present a list of what I consider to be The Rudest Behavior On Campus, but I'm also kind of hesitating because I feel like by doing that, I'm implicitly self-calling myself as some kind of bastion of etiquette and politeness. And everyone who actually knows me just wet their pants laughing at that implication, because if you spend a lot of time vacillating between total decaffeination and epic hyper-cracked-out-wooo-crunchy-bunnies as I do, you're going to accidentally tick some people off.
So I've been sitting here on the first floor of Sigma Delt for about three hours playing Bejeweled, Blitz, on Facebook staring desperately at a depressingly blank Word document.
I would like to start off by stating that it is blatantly unfair that devotees of one certain substance get an entire official holiday devoted to celebrating their major form of recreation.
So I was going to write a column called COFFEE IS THE BEST IDEA EVER except then I had a sneaking suspicion that I may have subtly alluded to that concept before.
Staff members in the College's administrative departments will switch to Microsoft Online Services for e-mail, calendar and collaboration services beginning in the Fall, Ellen Waite-Franzen, vice president of information technology and the College's chief information officer, announced in a Dartmouth Daily Update bulletin on Wednesday.
So ideally I would open with a funny anecdote that showcases my notably awkward dancing ability, except every story I can think of is so tremendously painful that it blows right past "humorously self-deprecating" and instead lands us in "so mortifying that it would actually make the reader uncomfortable on my behalf and would also require that I spend the rest of my senior Spring hiding under my bed." Consequentially I will just leave you with some key phrases, which are "martial arts-inspired ballet," "ill-conceived costume at fifth grade hula party" and "in front of guy I liked at the time." ANYWAY.