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All I Want

(11/13/00 11:00am)

The following letter is one of many that the United States Postal Service annually marks as undeliverable, because it is ambiguously addressed to a "Santa" at the "North Pole." I now possess the letter, because the Postal Service makes those letters that cannot be returned to the sender available to the public. (The return address information indicates the sender to be a "G.W." who lives in a "Big Ol' House" in a "Big Ol' State.") I reproduce the letter here because I believe it to be eerily evocative of the sentiments of one of the two presidential candidates in this uncertain time. While G.W.'s diction shows him to be somewhat less than an erudite person, I have made no spelling or grammatical changes so as to preserve "the integrity and the consistency and the equality and finality" of G.W.'s letter.

She Drools Acid

(11/10/00 11:00am)

Remember the end of "Aliens" when the humans leave the alien planet in their spaceship after killing the queen and they think everything is all right -- but then at the beginning of "Alien 3" you find out that one alien had made its way onto the ship without them knowing and it wreaks havoc on everyone? Well, just when we thought we could be rid of the Clintons and their scandals, Hillary has been elected Senator from the state of New York. If you disapprove of the analogy, you need to stop and think about this more. New Yorkers have given their Senate seat to an immoral woman. New Yorkers were presented with a candidate whose honesty and trustworthiness have come into question time and time again, and it appears they did not care.