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(05/24/16 9:02pm)
Week after week you, the loyal readers of our column, pick up the Mirror and brace yourselves for a whole lot of crazy. Things like, “How do they do it?” and “Have they found Jesus?” and “There’s medication for that” run through your minds as you read our stories. But enough about you, you sniveling consumerists. Let’s talk about us! For our final column we shall share with you the story of how we met. You’ve heard of “When Harry Met Sally” and this, dear readers, is nothing like that.
(05/10/16 9:03pm)
Young Wes isn’t too fond of his classes. For example, he despises his 6D, which runs from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. on Friday nights with x-hours scheduled exclusively over Green Key weekend. That’s right — 72 straight x-hours. “Moving Dartmouth Forward,” people. While he hasn’t yet honed his skills in “Primate Endocrinology,” he has developed quite the arsenal of excuses to get out of class. And it’s not your typical, “Oh, I overslept,” or “My throat hurts,” or the classic, “My family was slaughtered in a tragic boating accident in the Bermuda Triangle.” No, Wes has his professors wrapped around his little finger with some of the most creative whoppers out there. Let’s take a look at some highlights.
(05/03/16 9:04pm)
You’re in your 9L. The professor opens his mouth to speak and you’re already bored, scrolling through Yik Yak and Facebook with both thumbs. Stop it. This term will be different. You’ll pay attention. You’ll love learning. Ooh! Snapchat! No, snap out of it. The Stamp Act and Tariff of Abomination used to fascinate you. What happened? Ugh, you wish you could go back in time when there weren’t distractions.
(04/26/16 9:04pm)
We’ve all been there. Staring at the never changing “12:17 p.m.” on our laptops, back row of Astro 2, wondering what soup awaits us at Collis. Just when the planets couldn’t get more boring, the stars align, and you see her. She’s so original with her Patagonia fleece, black leggings, Dartmouth baseball cap and white Converse high tops. You’ve never seen anything like her before. But you resist. She’s a black hole. Get any closer and she’ll swallow you up.
(04/19/16 9:06pm)
As dawn breaks on another beautiful Hanover day, Dave and his buddies crack open a couple of PediaSure bottles in the hopes of curing their hangovers. Strewn across Collis porch like the miscreants they are, they stew over last nights events.
(04/12/16 9:05pm)
Today, we’re here to celebrate not pop culture, but flop culture. That is, long-lost fads that have been left in the past where they belong. Human history is filled with the what ifs and have nots. These are the trends that almost made it, but didn’t quite have the stuff. You won’t find these in the history books. Cute British accents during the Revolutionary War “Thanks love!” “Terribly sorry!” “Belt up ya barmy fizzog ya twit!” What do all these things have in common? They’ll make anyone swoon if said in a British accent. The cute British boy minstrels “The Judas Brothers” wooed all the American girls of the 1760s with their loose bloomers and lack of dysentery. Their hit songs “Best Hymn Ever” and “Love Yourself (But Not Indecently)” caused even the crotchety old miller, Sir Chester Miller, to go weak in the knees. Their accents could stop witch hunts and consumption in their tracks. That is, until the Revolutionary War began and “The Judas Brothers” had to flee for their lives. Their siren songs were never heard again. Hand Piercings, 0 C.E. Ear piercings were so 50 B.C.E. Tongue rings? Get out of here! The trendsetting Romans were looking for the next big thing and Pontius Pilates had run out of answers. After one too many Bacchanalia, daredevils Typhus and Lupus were playing gladiator, until Lupus accidentally skewered Typhus’ hand. The party screeched to a halt. But the famous fashionista, Pilates, declared the pierced hand the future of fashion. Boy, did he nail it! Soon, all the Romans were clamoring to pierce their paws. That is, until Jesus rolled into town and totally ruined it. Clifford the Big Red Dog during the Cold War Everyone remembers Clifford from their childhood. Who didn’t want a giant, crimson beast to ride around on in the late ’90s? Little do people know that Clifford originated in the ’50s as a symbol of national pride after World War II. That is, Russian national pride. Stalin chose the giant canine as the symbol for united workers, strong economy and borscht. Dogs of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your leashes! Eisenhower, however, put that dog down. Any American child seen idolizing the socialist monster was sent to the gulag and forced to eat borscht. Woof! The 2004 ‘Katrina Doll’ Picture this. It’s 2004. Barbie is dominating the doll market and nobody could compete. American Girl and their dolls were floundering. They needed the quintessential doll that would topple Barbie’s tyranny. So they came up with Katrina, the all American girl who loved everything hockey, especially the Carolina Hurricanes. She took the doll world by storm, and soon Katrina dolls were flooding the market. Mattel needed rescuing, but no one could save them. Even FEMA — Federal Emergency Mattel Aid — couldn’t help. Fortunately for Mattel, Hurricane Katrina swept the competition away the following year. Cremation in Pompeii Traditional burials were so blah. A wooden box for all of eternity? No thanks. Hip Pompeiians needed to die in style circa 78 CE. Sacrifices were all the rage. Fire was on fire. Soon, all the sexy teenagers wanted to be incinerated. Hot! Unfortunately, Mount Vesuvius really harshed the mellow on this one. Needless to say, the cremation business and everyone else were soon turned to dust. Flea Markets and Rat Races after the Black Plague We all love a good flea market. Antiques, vintage clothes and delightful old women. But did you know that flea markets originated in the Middle Ages, where they actually sold fleas to people? That’s right. Flea circuses were hotter than Satan’s wrath in 1320. And rat races. Everyone loved a good rat race. I always put my money on Seabiscuit, the fastest thoroughbred rat in town. Business was booming, that is, until people were dropping dead at the race track. Not because of the excitement, but because of the deadly pathogen that soon swept Europe faster than the flea market trend. Oh well, another pastime down the drain.
(04/05/16 9:21pm)
Paul and Emily Brigham return to Dartmouth for their 50th reunion. They met their senior spring at a mutual friend’s “chill wine/16Soberwhat? party” and have been nagging each other ever since. After a few bottles of champagne at the reunion dinner and awkward conversation with former trippees and hook-ups and trippee hook-ups, the Class of 2016 walks to the BEMA to unearth their senior time capsule.
(03/28/16 10:06pm)
It’s springtime, and you know what that means. No, not sundresses, stargazing, frolicking naked or being arrested for frolicking naked. It’s one-act season! Theater in the park is about to start up soon, so we’ve been receiving hundreds of one-acts to select for our spring repertoire. Here are the worst pitches we read.
(02/26/16 12:29am)
Has the housing system got you down? Is Chem 5 crushing your parents’ dreams? No problem! Jones Media Center just got a new shipment of retouched classic movies! Can you catch the subtle differences? So, whether you’re wallowing in a solipsistic coma or just drying your lonely tears of singlehood with your roommate’s Valentine’s Day card, these films are sure to brighten your spirits.
(02/19/16 12:43am)
You turn on the TV and there they are. Politicians. Clean cut, well-spoken and devastatingly racist. One of them could be appointing Supreme Court justices and controlling your reproductive rights in 2017. So you’d better think twice before casting that vote. We took to the streets of Hanover to hear from some local voices. Here are sample conversations from the six most common categories of voter.
(02/05/16 12:06am)
Dear Freshman Beth,
(01/29/16 2:03am)
It’s a blustery Monday morning in the dingy Novack cellar. Coffee stains and overworked pre-meds haunt the desks. Oliver Welmed chews the bit with his lab partner/girlfriend/chess co-captain, Ivana Bræk over their morning gallon of espresso.
(01/22/16 1:49am)
“Geez, my head’s killing me!” Josie Cuervo laments, rising from her top bunk perch. It’s 3:00 P.M. on a Saturday afternoon. Josie remembers nothing. Glancing about the room, she sees a large stain on the ground, her bra resting amongst her windowsill Chia pets, and an empty space where her phone used to be. She hears a knock on her door.
(01/15/16 2:18am)
“Ugh, my family is so stupid and old-fashioned,” laments Aaron Fleak after spending New Years back home in Arkansas. “What losers! They wouldn’t know a hashtag from a hashbrown, BuzzFeed from a buzz cut or a sepia filter from a Brita filter. I’m surrounded by animals.”
(01/08/16 2:52am)
Taylor Mayde, your typical nondescript, Collis pasta loving, Birkenstock wearing Dartmouth Senior has decided it’s about time she start looking for a job. What did she major in, you ask? Environmental Science modified with Theater with a double minor in Italian and Psychology, not to mention her FSP in New Zealand for Linguistics. Taylor is a veritable melting pot of interests, a real Renaissance woman, or as her mean old Uncle Jack says, a useless piece of garbage. Hush up, Uncle Jack, she thinks as she enters the career fair. With the blazer she borrowed from her roommate and the heels she found on Psi U’s lawn, she’s ready for anything these recruiters might throw at her.
(11/05/15 11:58pm)
Color 1: The Post-Trip Lonely
(10/29/15 11:15pm)
Since the very first Halloween, people around the globe have always found ways to sexify everyday costumes — nurse, cat, witch, what have you. With a snip, snip here and a snip, snip there, that playful pumpkin becomes one steamy gourd. Others can’t help but shout, “Give me a load of that seed!” For the people and animals these sensual costumes imitate, however, Halloween can truly be a scary time. Here to talk about it are the costumes themselves.
(10/22/15 10:01pm)
This time of year, television is filled with a colorful assortment of Halloween-themed flicks. You’ve got love-lorn witches and pesky pumpkins, but what about the other holidays? Have no fear loyal viewers, for when they’re not airing “Golden Girls” (1985) reruns or broadcasting the Puppy Bowl, nobody brings you holiday-themed films like the good ol’ Hallmark Channel. From their masterpiece, “A Boyfriend for Christmas” (2004) to their magnum opus, “The Good Witch’s Destiny” (2013), this cinematic giant never fails to elicit a hearty laugh or a heartfelt hug.
(10/15/15 11:01pm)
Judith: We haven’t received a text from Binky in the last hour. We should drive up to Dartmouth to see if he’s alright.
(10/01/15 10:20pm)
She said, “Do you wanna go out?