Crime and Punishment: Richard and Judith Return

by Mary Liza Hartong and Andrew Kingsley | 10/15/15 7:01pm

by Kate Herrington and Kate Herrington / The Dartmouth

Judith: We haven’t received a text from Binky in the last hour. We should drive up to Dartmouth to see if he’s alright.

Richard: Sweetie, we’re from Minnesota.

Judith: Your point?

Richard: Let’s just not forget the MapQuest this time. I don’t want to ask that harlot Siri for directions again.

Judith: Fine. We won’t call my niece Siri anymore. It’s just that she’s a travel agent, and I thought we ought to support her.

Richard: Alright, let’s go.

*Three weeks later.*

Judith: Richard, look at all these couples canoodling and fadoodling on the Green Quad Hang Out Grass. Reminds me of Woodstock when we found that other couple and we—

Richard: Judith we don’t speak of those times. I’m glad Binky doesn’t behave that way. It’s just criminal, all that slinking and swiveling and such.

Judith: Agreed sugar muffin. Now give me a kiss. I’m as horny as a sailor.

Richard: What?

Judith: I said I’m as thorny as a tailor.

Richard: Get your paws off me, handsy Nancy. You’re just like your niece!

Judith: Sorry Richard, these youths are getting to me with their hashbrowns and their instant ham. It won’t happen again.

Richard: I should hope not. Let’s find Binky and remind him about the birds and the bees. His test on winged creatures is coming up soon.

Judith: You read my loins! Lines. Mind. You read my mind.

Richard: Who is that downright baby-making couple over there?

*Richard and Judith squint at the distant but flexible lovers*

Judith: I think that’s Binky!

Richard: It couldn’t be!

Judith: He’s doing your signature butt-grab!

Richard: Where did he learn that?

In unison: SIRI!

Judith: We have to confront him before he makes grandparents out of us — or worse, Democrats!

*Cut to Binky and Dinky, sucking face.*

Binky: Shit! I think my parents are here.

Dinky: Those are just birds. Come back here.

Binky: You know I want to, but we have to run. They killed my last girlfriend with a crossbow.

Dinky: Oh just rela—

*An arrow wounds Dinky. She falls.*

Dinky: Run for your life Binky!

Binky: Not without you, Dinky.

*Binky grabs Dinky, pulls her up and runs off into the Stacks with her. Richard and Judith approach the library, crossbows and torches in hand.*

Richard: We can’t hunt on an empty stomach. We’re not Democrats.

Judith: Right you are, pumpkin spice. To King Arthur’s Flowers!

Richard: Look at this line! Out of our way, youths. Respect your elders. That means haul ass, Peter Pan!

Judith: Morning maestro, we would like two breads and two a-cock-y teas.

KAF employee: Did you two just cut the entire line? Also, it’s pronounced a-sigh-ee.

Richard: Did you just snort a line? She said two asscracky and bread. And take those hula hoops out of your ears.

Judith: And step on it. Binky could be dead.

KAF employee: Whatever.

*Richard and Judith enter the stacks.*

Judith: They could be anywhere. We best be quiet.

*Richard knocks down a row of bookshelves. Crushed students groan.*

Richard: Alright, alright. Get up, you pansies. This isn’t Neverland.

Judith: Richard be gentle. They haven’t built strong bones or a sizable 401K.

Richard: I think I hear him. Also, intercourse.

Judith: No, sweetie, those are the students you crushed.

Richard: Intercourse, crushed dreams. What’s the difference?

Judith: Well, one leads to a baby. The other to a sigh of pleasure.

Richard: Yeah, yeah. BINKY! You get out here and show your skin-rubbin’ rump before I count to three or else we’re rescinding your allowance.

Judith: That’s right, sweetie! Your dirty DVD allowance will be reduced to dust if you do not come out. The same goes for your flexible female friend.

Binky: Fine! Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend Dinky. We met in “Writing 5.” She’s from outside Boston. Are you happy?

Judith: Not once since Woodstock.

Richard: Judith, remember the task at hand.

Judith: Oh yes. Dinky, you understand what we have to do?

Dinky: I don’t think so. Aren’t you supposed to treat us to Canoe Club, small talk, then you leave and I rock your son’s world?

Richard: Not exactly. We were thinking death by Antiques Roadshow. And crossbows.

Dinky: I hardly think that’s necessary.

Judith: I hardly think you’re necessary.

Richard: I hardly think life is necessary. I crave the grave.

Binky: Enough you three! Dinky is the love of my life. I’m serious. I--

Siri: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

Dinky: Sorry my phone sometimes does that.

Richard: Judith run, your niece is back!

Judith: Is nowhere sacred?

Richard (now running away): You two don’t make whoopy while we’re gone.

Dinky: Oh we won’t!

*Richard and Judith are now gone.*

Binky: Wanna suck face?

Dinky: Let’s!

*Judith and Richard were found three days later still lost in the Stacks, huddling their acai berry teas and fighting over their baguette.*