Since the very first Halloween, people around the globe have always found ways to sexify everyday costumes — nurse, cat, witch, what have you. With a snip, snip here and a snip, snip there, that playful pumpkin becomes one steamy gourd. Others can’t help but shout, “Give me a load of that seed!” For the people and animals these sensual costumes imitate, however, Halloween can truly be a scary time. Here to talk about it are the costumes themselves.
From: Ginger the cat
To: All sexy cats
Okay, okay I get it. Cats are sexy. Everybody knows that. Take a look at this hot piece of pussycat. Just saying, there’s a reason we eat Friskies. You come over, you’re gonna get a Fancy Feast. But year after year I get a little tired of you guys running around town with your whiskers and pointy ears. Listen, we’re more than just some hot tails. The Egyptians worshipped us, for meowing out loud! You know what’s sexy about cats? We self-clean, we bring home our own bacon and we star in hit musicals by Andrew Lloyd Webber. So when you think about leaving the house looking like sexy us, go home with your tail between your legs, you dog!
From: Pam the nurse
To: All sexy nurses
Please fill out these forms, and I’ll be right with you. No sir, swallowing gum won’t kill you. No ma’am you’re not a Cancer, you’re a Libra. I said you have cancer. Oh, so you think you can be a nurse? You think you can draw blood from a squirming child and wrestle Blue Cross Blue Shield on the phone at the same time? Go right ahead, tootz. Make my day. Here, take these Winnie the Pooh scrubs and these extra-cushioned arch support sneakers. Let me tell you a little something about nursing, you hooligan. Strutting around in your candy stripper rags does not make you sexy. Saving lives makes you sexy. Noodle on that, hon. MR. WILKERSON? WILKERSON? You’re next!
From: Sister Meredith
To: All sexy nuns
Bless you my children. I don’t have candy, no. That’s the devil’s food. Lifesavers? More like Lifeenders. But I do have communion wafers, sweetened with the Lord’s love. And to all you young women showing a lot of ankle and wrist this Hallow’s Eve, I pray for you. Do you think a vow of chastity is easy? Nunsense! You think I didn’t have the hots for Father McDonaugh 20 years ago? Have you seen the abs on Jesus? The only thing I finger each night is my rosary. My eye of the needle hasn’t had a camel come through in decades. So pull up your stockings and hail a few Marys, and whatever you do stop licking that cross.
From: Carl the Toaster
To: Anyone who will listen
Hello boys, it’s me, Carl, the toaster. I know you guys like to do the shirtless firefighter to show off your big hose and the sexy mailman to deliver your special package, but I’m still hot stuff. Um, you know, you can get me at Walmart for real cheap, around $22.50 with a coupon. I got those two slots for your bread, which is convenient. What else? Oh, I use up approximately 600-12,00 Watts, so I know what’s up! That’s a toaster joke we toasters enjoy. Anyway, I’d really appreciate it if one of your guys dressed up as me for Halloween. Just turn me on, and in three to five minutes, BING, you’ve just been toaster strudelled. Oh shucks Carl, just stick with the watt puns.
From: Blue Balls the Pirate
To: All sexy pirates
Are you ready kids?
“Aye aye captain!”
I can’t hear you!
“Aye aye captain!
Ohhhhhhhhhhh
Who’s doomed to scurvy and a watery grave?
BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE
Starving and thirsty in a desert of waves
BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE
If fetishizing sea-killers is something you wish
BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE
Stop chanting my name you monstrous man-fish!
BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE
ARRRRRRRGH!
BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE
BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE
BLUE BALLS THE PIRATE
Ah hah hahaha (begins sobbing) take me now scurvy!
