We The People

by Mary Liza Hartong and Andrew Kingsley | 2/18/16 7:43pm

You turn on the TV and there they are. Politicians. Clean cut, well-spoken and devastatingly racist. One of them could be appointing Supreme Court justices and controlling your reproductive rights in 2017. So you’d better think twice before casting that vote. We took to the streets of Hanover to hear from some local voices. Here are sample conversations from the six most common categories of voter.

The Fashionista

Greetings. Hold on, I asked for extra foam for Pookie’s latte, and extra foam I do not see. Do you expect me to vote on a foamless stomach? Anyhow, I’ll be casting my vote as I always do: based on the clothes. I’m certainly not voting for that old wet nurse, Hillary Clinton. Have you seen those pant suits? JC Penney must be her super PAC. But don’t think I’m a Republican. They all dress like oversized Sunday school children. Easter is not year round, people. But there is… someone. Someone who inflames my loins and secured my vote. He’s so savage, visceral and makes me bern with lust. Bernie Sanders, if you’re reading this, my sandy candy man, I want you to know, mama’s ready.

The Theorist

Personally, I’m a utopian communalist, with a dash of Cartesian aesthetics and Montesquieu’s consequentialism. Don’t get me wrong, I dabble in proto-historical materialism. And to tell you the truth, I sometimes flirt with feminism, but they don’t flirt back. Er, I mean it doesn’t. My founding principles are liberté, egalité, fraternité. Basically, whatever president gets SAE back on campus, that’s my man. I thought it was Carly Fiorina, but I’m putting my chips on Ben Carson now. He’s a stalwart Luxemburgist. I respect that.

The Facebooker

It’s just so hard to pick! See, I have a lot of Facebook friends. A lot. Like, easily over 100. And they’re always posting stuff about the election. And the thing is, these people are my friends so I completely and blindly trust them. When my best friend from elementary school says Hillary Clinton is a robot made out of Jamaican jerk chicken, what choice do I have but to agree with her. Here’s the rub: not all of my friends agree! So one day I’m a Jeb supporter, because Uncle James says God personally placed Jeb on this earth in order to become supreme ruler, and the next I’m all about Bernie because my mom’s hairdresser says he’s going to make everything in America free. I’ve been tugged between the elephants and the donkeys all year, so I guess I’ll just check Facebook right before head into the polls. I think I’ll end up voting for Marco Rubio. My crush thinks he’s going to fix the immigration problem. I don’t think the geese are that bad, but whatever!

The Libra

One moment, my horoscope says I shouldn’t talk to strangers today. Oh, you’re a Libra too? Well then, I guess our stars have aligned. Election day happens on Nov. 8, which is a dark day for us. Saturn is in retrograde then. I’m supposed to avoid booths of any kind. But if I were to vote, I’d avoid Ted Cruz. He’s a Capricorn, which means he’ll put his job before one-on-one couple time with me. And Marco Rubio is a Gemini, so he can’t handle the compromises of marriage. Hillary is a controlling and inflexible Scorpio, so I can’t raise kids with her. Luckily, Jeb Bush is an Aquarius. We’re socializers and compromisers, and we’ll have great sex. This promises to be one of the best seasons of “The Bachelorette.”

The Teenager

Ugh, whatever. My mom just pulled me here. She says it’s my duty as an American. I don’t even wanna be an American. I hate this place. What has America ever done for me? All I have is geometry homework, acne and no date to the dance. None of these candidates understands me. I don’t even know who these people are. Marco Rubio sounds like a soap opera actor. Jeb? Is that even a name? I beat up a Jeb last week cause he had a dumb backpack and has a date to the dance. I mean, what do I care about foreign policy. I failed my geography quiz last week. Who knew China and Asia were different places? All I care about is boosting my allowance and taking Katie Berkowitz to the Spring Fling. Anyone got a coin I could flip? I already spent my allowance.

The Everyman

Oh hello, I’m glad you asked. I’m still mulling it over. I started as a Kasich supporter since he has a strong background in Ohio and has a solid healthcare plan. But I think his foreign policy is fairly weak, which is why I also can’t get behind Bernie, so Hillary gets my vote there. While I appreciate the frankness of Trump, I think he is far too volatile and would alienate the United States politically. I can’t get behind Carson since he’s so inexperienced but I appreciate his pluck. So I think I’m voting for—

An argument breaks out between the six voters.

The Fashionista: “Would you look as his tie/belt combo? The 1980s wants its wardrobe back, mister!”

The Everyman: “Excuse me?”

The Facebooker: “BuzzFeed says he’s probably Lucky Charms, Chandler Bing from “Friends” and belongs in the year 2008. Total Cruz fan.”

The Everyman: “I’m sorry, who are you people?”

The Theorist: “We are merely the proletariat, or as Locke would appellate, the plebiscites.”

The Everyman: “Could someone please tell me why—“

The Libra: “Ugh, so pushy, obviously an Aries.”

The Everyman: “I am just trying to vote.”

The Teenagers: “Wait a minute, that’s Jeb’s dad. Get him!”

CNN Breaking Report: An innocent student was just killed in Hanover, New Hampshire after a crowd of six angry voters pinned him to death with “I Voted” buttons. The Republicans are blaming the tragedy on the psycho-killers, while the Democrats are demanding stricter button regulations. Safe to say, this seems like a hot-button issue.